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February 08, 2013

It's a Valentine's Day/President's Day crossover event: the amorous, dirty things the presidents were into and/or what they did with or to their various love-making parts!


George Washington: His personal journals mention "a sexe doll made of realistic-feeling wood."

Thomas Jefferson: Was into MILFs, which in the late 19th century, meant women who were 19 to 22 years old.

James Madison: Snuff films.

James Monroe: Got off on hot, filthy doctrines.

Andrew Jackson: Demanded to be spanked with his childhood spanking paddle, which he called "Old Hickory."

Martin "Van" Buren: The president used to cruise around Washington, D.C., in his tricked-down van, which had "The Makeout Machine" and a unicorn airbrushed on the side. The inside was furnished with shag carpeting, lava lamps, and a rotating, circular bed.

William Henry Harrison: The only way he could climax was to die within 30 days of any major life achievement.

James K. Polk: His favorite sex toy: "The James K. Poker."

Zachary Taylor: Super-sick shit you wouldn’t even believe.

James Buchanan: His favorite sex toy: Vice President William R. King

Abraham Lincoln: The legendary lothario left behind a "playbook" filled with pun-based sexual positions, such as "The Lincoln Log," "The Top Hat," and "The Gettysburg Undress."

Ulysses S. Grant: Vagina enthusiast.

James A. Garfield: Lasagna enthusiast.

Grover Cleveland: A former executioner in New York state, he miniaturized the gallows into a device he called "The Non-Consecutive Wang Strangler."

Benjamin Harrison: Liked to be completely surrounded and crushed by two women dressed up like Grover Cleveland.

Teddy Roosevelt: He was a "rough rider," if you know what I mean.

William Howard Taft: He would seduce a woman, lure her into the bathtub, then claim to be "stuck," make love to her, then fall asleep on top of her for up to a week.

Woodrow Wilson: The slang term “woody” for an erect penis comes from Woodrow Wilson, who revolutionized human sexuality when he invented the erect penis.

Warren G. Harding: He'd go out to seedy parts of Washington, D.C. late at night at look for women of ill repute with his best bro, Secretary of State Charles "Nate Dogg" Hughes.

Franklin Roosevelt: What you think is a wheelchair is actually a fuck harness.

Harry Truman: Liked to watch his wife do it with Thomas Dewey.

John F. Kennedy: Nothing.

Lyndon Johnson: Used Texas-style barbecue sauce as a personal lubricant.

Richard Nixon: Forced his wife to wear a Richard Nixon mask, like the ones in Point Break.

Jimmy Carter: After admitting to Playboy that he "lusted in his heart" for women besides his wife, Roslyn Carter wouldn't let him in her bed, forcing Carter, an ex-peanut farmer, to build an anatomically correct doll out of peanut shells. (This construction experience inspired him to start Habitat for Humanity.)

Ronald Reagan: He liked it when his first wife, Jane Wyman, would insert into his rectum an object he called "The Union Buster," which was a butt-plug covered in ketchup.

George Bush: Has a thing for old ladies with lots of white hair that he is married to.

Bill Clinton: Upon leaving office in 2001, Clinton earned $3 million from the Fleshlight Corporation for lending his name to the Bill Clinton's Oval Orifices line of products.

George W. Bush: Liked whatever Cheney told him to like.