North Pole Elves aim to recover as US releases final casualty report from ‘War On Christmas’
Though we have not officially heard from President Trump, the US has all but declared victory in its fight against the alleged ‘War On Christmas’. It was reported last week that American allies are converting the last group’s major strongholds in the North Pole. But lost amid the celebrations is the inevitable dark truth: huge numbers of elves have been killed and injured in the crossfires.
“We suspected this after the North Pole Draft Act (NPDA) was unanimously voted in favor of. What those elves lacked in basic training and military acumen, they made up for in blind courage and a misunderstanding of our definition of loyalty.” Col. Raymond Costner, a spokesperson for the US military, told EFTH.
When the executive branch contended the ‘War On Christmas’ was being declared from an unknown source, there was widespread confusion and questioning. The only group without any doubt to form an allegiance was the North Pole Military (NPM), headed by Chief Executive, Gen. Santa Claus, who has been the subject of collusion rumors swirling around US president Trump. The NPDA was immediately introduced and passed within a week of the now famous “War On War On Christmas” speech.
The National Association for the Advancement of Elfen People (NAAEP) has requested aid from the US, with no reply, citing a previous verbal agreement with the US Department of Veterans’ Affairs. This was seemingly denounced by the president in a tweet he posted towards the beginning of deployment;
According to reports, elfin squadrons’ A, B, C, D, and F, which total 317 drafted elves, were all taken by death in combat.
“They never said it had nothing to do with making extra toys” said Field General S. McCoggins of the North Pole Military Strikeforce. “We kept getting direct calls from the US to build more green army men to bring to life with our mystical sciences. WE DON’T HAVE THOSE SCIENCES!”
The new estimate of elf casualties comes from data collected by the North Pole’s morgue workers, who have volunteered to retrieve bodies, as many US officials insisted the war be fought on North Pole territory “in case of probable magic we can use from up there.” The personal office of Santa Claus has declined to comment until after the holidays. This is possibly in lieu of the casualties affecting deadlines for the delivery of the North Pole’s number one seasonal export; Christmas gifts.
The lack of labor left by the war has increased. US Attorney General, Jeff Sessions announced Saturday that after a special visit to “share words of motivation”, things are “looking sprite in them magical snow capped hills of whimsy.” Insiders say he was chosen specifically by the president because “what better way to communicate our loyalty than with one of their own who has done big league things for the great United States.”
Candlelit vigils can be seen all throughout the North Pole, most notably near the US Embassy in the capital of Toyland. The mood is un-shockingly joyful, in accordance with the age old scientific finding that elves are incapable of actual sadness. This, sources say, is the driving force behind the overall content among the family and loved ones of the fallen.
“It is simply irresponsible to focus criticism on inadvertent casualties caused by the United States’ war on ‘War On Christmas’” explained Col. Costner.
“The US is forever in debt to those from the North Pole who lost their lives. Our freedom to forcefully institute ‘Merry Christmas’ as the societal norm, in terms of seasonal greetings, is the most important tribute we can give back to their loved ones. Their permanent state of happiness is all I need to know they appreciate it.”
Canada, Denmark (via Greenland) and Norway have continued to provide aid to the North Pole, by way of toy making supplies and fresh made sugar cookies. There are talks amidst White House staffers that the US will be introducing a North Pole Aid program of their own, as soon as the holidays, including New Year’s , are concluded. This program is slated to be headed by Sarah Palin. Being called upon for a role similar to the one previously held by Omarosa Manigault, it is said she is Trump’s “personal” pick due to the proximity of the North Pole to her house, for national security purposes.