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March 25, 2010


Well, well, well. 2009, pretty much gone, and with that being said, I was sitting back, thinking about the events of the year. Lots of funny shit, lots of sad shit. Seeing that everybody does some sort of countdown-ish type thing, I figured, like a Region girl in a pink Cubs jersey, I'd join the proverbial bandwagon and do my own. . . . .


Trust me, that would've looked alot better if I gave a shit about learning html. Now, these are not inany particular order, simply because I'm too lazy to take the time to order them. In honor of my laziness, I will NOT being using numbers. Instead I will incorporate letters from a little used format called "the Alphabet".

A.) Year of the "Ga"
This year was definitely dominated, musically, by Lady Ga Ga. No question. The funny thing about the "Ga" to me was how the uglier she got, the more powerful she became, so reminiscent of the rise of such powerful women as Hilary Clinton and Michael Jackson. Literally, I watched the "Just Dance" video and thought; "Who is this hot nobody, I would totally crotch her face out.". Now, as time has past, I see her and I think; "God, this ugly piece of unpleasantry is a genius.". I mean seriously, she really got ugly quick, but her songs just got more and more catchy. There's no better intoxicated feeling then it being 2am in the club, and after 11 Vegas Bombs, hearing "Bad Romance" kick off. Rah rah rah ah ah ah, Ga Ga, Ooh La La ah! She is to alcohol what Pink Floyd is to hallucinagens. I will say this, though "Pokerface" has gotten ALL the Grammy love, "Papparazzi" was, by far, her best single. Long live the "Lady", and she's never said something more true. . . . . "This one's for God and the Gays!"

B.) Reality bites. . . so good
Anyone who is familiar with my foolishness, knows I get a huge punt out of reality shows. I know, they're scripted, so the fuck what? They are effing hilarious. Even as scripted as they are, you can't deny the pathetic realism of Americans making fools of themselves on TV. 2008, and the majority of 2009, my top reality show was definitely the Kardashian franchise. I mean, come on, really? I can watch hot ass Kim Kardashian, her similarly hot ass sister Kourtney, and their beastly bitchy, yet entertainingly rude sister Khloe on E! all day long? Really????? Fuck the Gauntlet. Piss off VH1 reality show hand me downs. I want to see Kim walk. How good is a reality show when you can enjoy it just as much on mute? Answer? Quite good. The prissy drama, and the ridiculous "issues" of rich and famous are merely just a fringe benefit. But wait!!!!!! I've been swayed my friends. Not since the Real World has MTV sucked me in so deeply. That's right, JERSEY fucking SHORE!!!!!! I fucking LOVE this show. First, and foremost, I am much like the millions of people in this country whom look at the entire state of New Jersey as a fucking clown show. So now, you're telling me that the biggest clowns from the greatest clown college are clowning around in their own series???????? Really????? Seriously, if you have not seen this show, and you are a fan of televised nonsense, tune the eff in. Mike "The Situation" makes Chance from Real Chance At Love, look like Barack Obama. The girls on this show are like if Flavor Flav's girls were injected with Bruce Banner's meds, then raised by the Desperate Housewives of Gotham City. Simply put, you want to love Italians? Watch Goodfellas. You want to laugh hysterically at them? Watch Jersey Shore.

C.) I got a FEVER, and the only prescription is more Peyton!
Living in the "Region" is pretty hard during ANY sports season for me. I despise ALL Chicago teams except, of course, the 2005 World Series champion White Sox, and even duing baseball season, Chicago loving hoosiers love most, those that suck ass (if you're confused, I speak about the Cubs). You can't use basic logic with these people. The traditional laziness thought process of America factors in when they try to explain exactly WHY they like Chicago teams. "Well, we're closer to Chicago so. . . that's my home team". Really???? I don't choose the girl I want to fuck in the room by the one I'm closest to. That would be suicide in most cases. Simply put, I live in Indiana, born and raised. The capitol of Indiana is Indianapolis. I root for the home team. Home team meaning where my home IS. When The Colts and the Bears met in the Superbowl, I hosted a Superbowl party. Approximately 25 people were there. 23 of them rooted for the Bears. Only I, and my B.M. (who was my girlfriend at the time), were rooting for th Colts, and honestly I can say just me, because most girls just root for whom their BF's root for anyway. I explained, with wonderful and regal logic, why and how the Bears would lose to, arguably, the greatest QB of our time, Peyton Manning. They would not listen. Urlacher this, Hester that. 4 quarters later, what's done is done. Now with Peyton pretty much dominating this season with his blatantly visible huge brain, one can only hope that he does not meet the same end that his pretty boy counterpart/arch nemisis, Tom Brady, met a couple years back. You never know. Perfect post season? I can't guarantee it, but I CAN guarantee this, The Colts vs the Pats this season was the greatest football game I've ever watched, and if THAT is tobe Peyton's finest 2009 moment, so be it.

D.) Motherfucking Mother-Lovers
There's a few things I think about when I think of Christmas during a on Christmas season. The movie A Christmas Story, terrible traffic, Jesus, and Dick In The Box. That last one is my 2nd favorite (only to A Christmas Story). All the way up until May of 2009, Dick In The Box was my all time favorite SNL Digital Short. Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake were nothing short of fabulous, and topping that skit was close to impossible. ThenMother's Day weekend hit, and we are blessed with Motherlover, the even better sequel to D.I.T.B. "I'ma be the syrup, she can be my waffle, ShoNUFF. . . .". I mean, you literally have to be medically comatosed not to enjoy this video. Susan Sarandon (who, by the way, is still an impressive celebrity MILF) was just icing on the cake. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, I suggest you figure out a way to pass away. When you get to heaven, ask God if you can borrow his dvd of Motherlover. You'll regret ever living without it.

E.) Speaking of singers being funny. . . .
Hi, my name is Keith, and I'm on Twitter. They really should have meetings for that sort of thing. Twitter was this year's crystal meth, I mean, boy, did it blow the fuck up. I must admit, I abused it a bit, but what can I say? It's almost like a reality show in book form. Everyone has their favorite celebrity tweep. Mine? John fucking Mayer! I knew from seeing random FunnyOrDie.com videos that John Mayer had a pretty funny sense of humor. What I didn't know, was how funny he was texting and drinking. When I first got Twitter on my phone, I had the whole "follow via text update" thing-a-majig. Then, all of a sudden, randomly, at 3 or 4am, my phone would sound off. Me thinking it was a call or text from someone I knew, would awaken, only to be met by some of the funniest tweets from the grounds keeper of Wonderland. Whether it was his funny denials of boning Laguna Beach girls ("My Milli has never slam danced with her Vanilli") or ramblings about his infactuation with toilet bowl styles, John Mayer consistently cracked me the eff up. . . .and, just like Whitney and Bobby, I love to be "cracked" up.

F.) "F" is for funny
~read this excerpt~, if you have any type of brain, you'll know what this is. . . . .

Alan: "How bout that ride in. I guess that's why they call it sin city. Ha ha ha. You guys might not know this but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one man wolfpack. But when my sister brought Doug home I knew he was one of my own. And my wolfpack, it grew by one. So there were two of us in the wolfpack. I was alone first in the pack and then Doug joined in later. And 6 months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys I thought, wait a second, could it be. And now I know for sure that I just added two guys to my wolfpack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together in Las Vegas looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast."

By far THEE funniest movie of the year was Hangover. You know that feeling you got the second time you saw Anchorman? I got that the first time I watched Hangover. Shit was so funny, even though I watched it illegally the first time, I went to the movies, paid that nasty post-matinee fee, and saw it again. I was dying all 7 times I saw it after that. Did Bradley Cooper make his mark with this movie? Yep. Was Ed Helms just as funny in the Hangovr as he is as Andy from the Office? Maybe not. Did seeing Mike Tyson in the trailer everyday lessen his cameo appearance once I actually saw the film? Hell no! However, the person who carried the movie, in my mind, was Zach Galifianakis. OH! Em! Jeezy!!!! I could relae to his defense of his satchel. I'm pretty sure I laughed tears when he asked "This isn't the 'real' Caesar's Palace, is it?". I thought it was quite classy slash funny as shit, when he suggested that roofies should be called "rape-ies". Throw in a naked Ken Jong and a quick cameo by Mike Epps and you really can't go wrong. I read in an Entertainment Weekly that Lindsay Lohan turned down the role of Ed Helms' stripper wife (played by Heather Graham) because when she read the script she didn't think it was funny. WHORE!!!!!!! I watched it te first time with my good friend/director, Michael Goodpaster, and we both deemed it the best comedy in the last ten years, easily. If for soe reason you STILL haven't seen this masterpiece, seriously, just die. You suck at living anyways.

G.) 2009 Death Toll: Way too many buzzkills
Adam Goldstein (DJ AM), Andrew Martin (WWE's Test), Bea Arthur, Billy Mays, Chris Henry, David Carradine, Dom DeLuise, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Henry Gibson, Jack Kemp, Jett Travolta (John Travolta's son), John Hughes, Les Paul, Cpt. Lou Albano, Marilyn Chambers, Michael Jackson, Oscar Mayer Jr., Patrick Swayze, Ricardo Montalban, Soupy Sales, Steve McNair, Eddie Fatu Jr. (WWE's Umaga), and Walter Cronkite, just to name of few. All dead in the year 2009. I realize that so many people die every year, but Jesus, it seemed like SOOOOOO many celebs died this year. Not to mention the ridiculous amount of Amber Alerts that resulted in abuducted kids dying. Kinda ridiculous if you ask me. For awhile during the summer, it seemed like everyday somebody was dying. Obviously the most famous death (for a lack of a better phrase) was MJ. Not going to lie, I had crazy jokes, so many to the point where during his Staples Center funeral, my phone just shut down from all the twittering I was doing. I mean, let's be real, that service was slightly out of control. Usher singing, then molesting Jackson's coffin. Magic Jonson telling a story where, somehow, he "forgot" Michael was born black, and therefore questioning his love for fried chicken. And then the funeral finales to end ALL funeral finales with Paris Jackson, seemingly forced to utter those more than perfect words about her deteriorating pops. Wacko Jacko flipped the entire world on it's asshole when he passed, and though (regardless of me being from Gary) I was more affected by some of the other's on the list more than Dr. Plastic-Face, you gotta feel for all the families of ANYBODY who died this year, last year, or whenever.

H.) Mr. West!!!!! Mr. West!!!!!
Ok, so if you're black and you know me, 9 times out of 10, we went to high school together. If that's the case, you know my personal/jealousy induced beef with Kanye. Eccentric black dude from the midwest, not very well liked by his urban peers, yet a total musical beast, and a bit of an asshole. Sounds familiar? If you're white and you know me, 10 times ut of 10 you've said the phrase "You know, you look like Kanye West". I hate Kanye West. I love Kanye's music. I've always been able to seperate the two. I love to see him in the news though, because it's always a treat. Kanye cries about some award show. Kanye throws tantrum at airport. Kanye openly verbalizes George Bush's neglect. Kanye proclaims himself "new King of Pop" not even an entire month after MJ's death. . . . All classic. Most of the time, he's a bit more of a whiny asshole than a clever and witty asshole (that which I feel I'm more of). Instead of victimizing others, which I take great pride in, he tends to victimize himself. So, when he storms on stage, interrupting America's sweetheart to apparently build up Jay-Z's sweetheart, I was kind of proud of him. It was funny, it was factual, it was unneccesary, 3 things I appreciate. Instant bad guy status. I did feel for Taylor, but Beyonce' cleaned up for him, so no big deal right? Then, like always, Yeezy fucks it up, first by blogging a bunch of incoherent apologies, THEN, by crying on the Jay Leno show. What a fag! Really??????? Crying?????? Crying more than I saw him cry when his mother died actually. Kanye West, soundscaping genius slash angry emosexual. What a waste. All he did was make me believe that South Park episode about him was strictly autobiographical. The best thing to come from that moment? Me having an awesome, yet economically sound Halloween costume AND the time of my life on that night. It was fun just walking up to people pardoning my interruption then talking shit. It was also very entertaining how many country fans/hillbillies were so pissed in the Region. But, just as it is the circle of life, Kanye will take ome time off, record a new album (sans auto tune hopefully) and have everybody singing his shit again, 'cause in America, when it comes to fickle-ness, "THESE COLORS DON'T RUN!!!!!". . . . .

Nuff Said,