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October 10, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Paramount Pictures plans to build a theme park in Britain featuring Europe's largest indoor water park. Because you know who loves getting shirtless in public? That's right, the British.

Former Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky was sentenced to 30-60 years in prison. Which is the worst place to learn your name has been turned into a verb.

Prior to sentencing, Sandusky stated, "In my heart, I know I did not do these alleged, disgusting acts." Interestingly, in Sandusky's heart, cats get along with dogs, volcanos lead to goatees, and calorie-free pizza has existed for decades.

Kansas City Chiefs right tackle Eric Winston criticized spectators at a recent game for cheering when his team's quarterback was severely injured. People really hope he gets hurt.

In Pakistan, a 14-year-old activist who has been campaigning for girls' education was shot on her way home from school when gunmen opened fire on her school bus. To be fair, their new tourism slogan is, "Yup! This is Practically Hell."

Serge Haroche and David Wineland will share the Nobel Prize in Physics for their work with light and matter. Wineland personally answering the question, "What the matter with having an amazing mustache?" Answer: Nothing.

Defending his style of moderating the debate between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney, Jim Lehrer said he would have interfered "if they were talking about tiddlywinks or baseball." A ridiculous notion since Romney was warned by his campaign to specifically stay off the topic of tiddlywinks.

A Florida man died shortly after winning a cockroach-eating contest. Said one friend, "We never could convince him he couldn't be a gecko."

A full-length animated movie based on the "Peanuts" comic strip is in the works with a script by Charles Schulz's son and grandson. The premise being that Charlie Brown comes to grips with learning his parents care more about drawing disfigured children than him.

The TV show "MythBusters" found that both Jack and Rose could have safely floated on the door at end of the movie "Titanic." Likewise, the show found that Kathy Bates' character could have safely floated.

On Tuesday morning, protesters picketed a Mitt Romney campaign rally while dressed as "Sesame Street" characters. Most of the characters were upset over Romney's promise to cut funding to PBS, though Bert and Ernie were there for a more personal cause...