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September 30, 2012

Finally some answers in the form of a statement from the guy who you see uncomfortably working out in cargo shorts at the gym.


You’ve probably seen me around at your local gym, or if not me personally, then someone else who chooses to not to change out of their cargo shorts during their physically fitness. I think I can answer your question on behalf of all of these men when I say that wearing cargo shorts doesn’t so much enhance my work out, as they do prevent it entirely.

For anyone looking to achieve a greater level of cardiovascular stamina or muscular build, it’s accepted that one needs to connect with their overall strength and endurance potential. This is where my cargo shorts fit in, if we’re going to get technical, they haven’t been proven to improve any of those key factors, as much as they’re widely known to hinder them.

Another key insight into the art of physical fitness is the power of visualizing yourself doing that last rep or going that extra five minutes on the elliptical machine which helps one break down growth barriers. As you’ve probably assumed, much of my work out is dedicated to visualization as well, since I’m dependent on imagining that I’m not wearing these cargo shorts in front of dozens of people who are committed to physical improvement.

Yes, I’ve seen you occasionally glancing over from across the gym to look at the cargo shorts I’m wearing. The next step in your reasoning might lead to the paradox of why I would wear cargo shorts to the gym, since it can’t be in an attempt to break through to the direct apprehension of something profoundly beyond the agitation and anxiety of daily life, because...you can put your mind in park there. This is, indeed, a classic case of what philosophers and professional debaters call, “an argument that proves the fact” or a fallacy ridden case with no sound evidence.

If you’re like me and have read every fitness magazine over the past eight years, you’ll know just as well as I do that there’s never been a single peer reviewed study with empirical facts, or hell, even a basic opinion from anyone that claims cargo shorts should be worn while working out. Watch me open the doors to this LA Fitness, though, and observe how I just go straight to the weight room without changing out of the cargo shorts I walked in wearing.

I can understand your thinking that maybe I’m just like the business man who does yoga in his office while still wearing his suit. That wouldn’t be true, though. We can also justifiably rule out the premise that by my wearing these cargo shorts, I’m somehow saving time and energy by not needing to put my stuff in a locker. As long as we’re here, we can also point out that I’m not going to do push ups any easier while carrying around my keys, cell phone, wallet, and the mail I grabbed while leaving my apartment, either. Is a man who consciously chooses to wear cargo shorts stuffed with junk letters from Southwest Airlines really look like someone whose going to be in shape anytime soon?

While we’re on the subject, you also might conclude that perhaps wearing cargo shorts is simply how I get in my “zone” or center my mind to completely focus on the work out. Just so we’re clear, cargo shorts make me feel like I’m randomly in a place with exercise equipment which allows me to comfortably tell my procrastination that maybe I’ll do some pull ups, or maybe I won’t. As you can tell my lack of bulk and physical definition, usually the latter is the result.

They say physical fitness is eighty percent mental and only twenty percent physical. This is good news for me, since these fucking clunky, awkward cargo shorts basically destroy any attempt to lift, pull, or perform any type of resistance training necessary to get in better shape. It could also be interpreted as unfortunate news for me, because, as I’ve stated, that would mean eighty percent of my physical health is reliant on the mind that spurred the flawed logic that decides to wear these god damn cargo shorts in the first place.

As we’ve seen, I’m not so much living the dream by wearing cargo shorts, as I am living a complete lie all together.