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May 27, 2015

I want my wiener to hang loose like a drugged up surfer.

I’ve recently heard about this “Free The Nipple” movement, and I for one think that it’s some bullcrap. Women running around with their boobs out? Something seems wrong here, and I know what it is. It’s a gosh darn double standard is what it is. If ladies want to run around with their boobies out for everyone to see, that’s their choice, but what about me? What about my problems? Let me explain. The other day I was walking through the park, and the societal pressure finally got to me. I unzipped the fly of my pants and freed my wiener. People started freaking out, and that’s wrong. How can something that is part of human anatomy illicit such a negative reaction? That’s why I propose a “Free The Wiener” movement.

I don’t mean everyone going about their business with no pants on. That would be insane, and butts are gross anyway. I’m simply saying that I should be able to walk to work in the morning with my peep sticking out of the fly of my pastel chinos without everyone making a big fucking deal about it. It’s just Jim and the twins, why is everyone screaming and covering their kids’ eyes?

I mean I’ve been living my whole life with the Bald Avenger stuffed in restraining, yet fashionable, pairs of chinos ever since I can remember, but the one day I decide to finally let my dink run free like a horse in a dandelion-laden meadow, everyone freaks out about it. Don’t even start with me about the difference between nipples and dinkers. Schween’s are just as normal and should be held in the same categories as nipples.

I’m not a men’s rights activist or anything, but I just think that it’s crap that everyone is supporting this free the nipple movement, while guys like me are stuck with their chubbers suffocating like a dolphin trapped in a ziplock bag made of the same material chinos are made from. Then when we try to do something about it people throw rocks at you.

Sure, freeing a lady’s nipple may take away some of the societal power that looms over women’s bodies and sexualities, but just like how people stare at ladies’ gozangas, I catch at least five or six people a day looking at my dong through my pants, and you wouldn’t believe how many people were staring when I pulled my 100% all-beef thermometer out on my walk to work. It’s like these people never saw Mr. Johnson and the juice crew before!

That’s why I’m proposing that New York State legalize what I call “Hairy Scary and the two bald men’s law.” This law would allow men to whip out their he-hams, but only through the fly hole of their pants. I think that this law would prevent the wang goblin from being seen as a solely sexual object, and would bring our society into a new era where men are allowed to stick their wieners through the holes of their chinos without getting arrested for “public indecency.”

Men have suffered for a long while now, and I think it’s about time that someone speaks out for a man’s right to poke his dingle dangle through the hole in his pants, just how God intended.