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March 02, 2016

Ben loses his virginity probably.

At last, fantasy suites. The week when The Bachelor transforms from pure joy at the contestants’ fumbling journeys to semi-horrifying voyeurship. This season, the three-nights-in-a-row-bang-sesh takes place in Jamaica. Delicate Ben: “I’m going to be able to try to find my wife in one of the most romantic places in the world, doing some of the most romantic things.” During this monologue, we see Ben prepare for the week by pushing down on his bed to make sure it’s firm enough to handle the motion of his ocean.

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Yep, definitely ready for romantic things.

Ben then recaps his three love stories on his balcony.

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But who am I the MOST googley-eyed about…

With Caila, he’s worried she’s too smiley and if he’ll be able to “get below the surface.”

But what’s going on INSIDE?

Then, there’s Lauren B.land. Ben: “I look at her with googley eyes. I’m like a little schoolboy trying to chase after his crush. With Lauren I definitely question if this is too good to be true. I always have because she may be too good for me.”

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The little schoolboy in his pants ^^^ can’t imagine it either.

And then he reflects on Jojo: “When I’m around Jojo I feel more myself than ever… but Jojo’s hometown date in Dallas was an emotional roller coaster. They were questioning me as a person.”

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Really hoping my bros didn’t fuck this up for me.

There’s a series of shots of Delicate Ben awkwardly traversing ruins while wearing an awful pink shirt and flip flops.

Gotta get… three steps higher… for perfect… pondering… shot…

Ben: “I hope to be confident enough in a relationship after the next two weeks to be proposing, but it’s a big two weeks and I have three incredible women.” If Ben hasn’t gained confidence this season then WTF was the point?

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Ah, finally, the perfect spot. Halfway up this staircase, I can gaze upon lush Jamaica whilst contemplating love properly.

Caila’s Fantasy Suite Date

Caila and Ben take an awkward as fuck rafting trip down the river. Caila: “Our place is really cute… They have some swings in the water.” YOU SURE THEY’RE NOT BENCHES, CAILA? YOU’VE BEEN WRONG BEFORE. Ben tries to assuage her nerves about the situation: “Even if it feels weird, don’t let it. It’s gonna be awesome.” Ben’s dick? Even if it feels weird, just suck it up.

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This guy’s face says it all.

Ben to Caila: “It’s like I’m a 22– (wipes his head off)–26-year-old man who’s like a little kid right now. Don’t stress out. Just enjoy it.“ BEN IS 22! IT ALL MAKES SENSE.

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Ben, Jamaican me feel weird and like you might be 22.

Ben in his confessional: “We’re on the river. It’s beautiful. She’s beautiful. But Caila’s not herself today. She’s quiet and reserved and melancholy.” How can there be sadness with so much beauty?! Ben farts on the river raft. Ben to Caila: “Smell that?“

They park the raft, eat chicken parts, drink from coconuts, and discuss the awkwardness. Ben asks if Caila’s anxious because of “the emotional roller coaster of it all?”

Are you anxious because of the emotional roller coaster of it all, the wild river raft ride of it all, or the fireworks exploding in your heart of it all? Or D, all of the above?

That night, they go to Sandals to have an oceanside dinner. Caila tells him she loves him. Caila’s confessional: “Ben doesn’t have to say anything. I tell him I love him, and I can see in his eyes and I can feel in his breath that he feels the same.” THE BREATH OF LOVE.

Now breath on me so I can see if it’s mutual.

Delicate Ben sweats up a storm during this confession.

Caila could see the requited love glistening behind his eyes, under his skin, just trying to get out in liquid form.

Ben takes this outpouring of emotion as the right time to offer her the “do you want to fuck” card. Caila: “You sly fox.”

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Fox guarding the Benhouse.

She accepts and they wade into the water. Fireworks shoot off to foreshadow their bang sesh. Caila: “It feels amazing just to be in Ben’s arms and to look up at him and see fireworks in his eyes and my heart and in the sky.”

Are there fireworks in your pants yet? Do you get it?

They make out in the fantasy suite and the fireworks literally never end, a cacophony of loud, poetic, banging noises to induce the love-making ritual.

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Have you been hit over the head with metaphors enough to know what you’re supposed to do right now?

The next morning we see rural Jamaica.

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Traditional post-coital cow.

We see Caila’s shoes on the ground. Ruh roh! Caila: “Ben can’t tell me he’s in love with me but Ben didn’t have to say any words."It’s the timeless adage. A dick can say a thousand words. Ben leaves and waves awkwardly to Caila on her balcony.

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But what soft light through yonder window breaks! Er, thanks for the bang sesh!

Lauren B.land’s Fantasy Suite Date

As if Lauren B.land has meanwhile been having her own separate butt-stuff-fantasy-week, she bizarrely waddles over to meet Ben. Possibly her short shorts are preventing her from walking normally. Lauren is excited: “I’m like a little kid right now.”

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I’m just like a little kid right now. About to get FUCKED!

Ben: “It’s almost weird going to another date with a girl after just leaving a date with a woman that I care so much about.” ALMOST WEIRD. Nevertheless, he washes off Caila, changes clothes, and meets up with Lauren.

It’s also almost weird how you’re walking so funny when I have yet to introduce you to Little Ben.

Lauren B.land: “This is so surreal… There’s something about the water, and just like, sunshine.” Lauren doesn’t just see nature but she elevates it through her poetic lens.

They take a boat somewhere. An elvish looking man, Mel, emerges from the sand and tells them they’re going to help release baby sea turtles into the ocean.

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My name’s Mel. I’m an avid sea turtle enthusiast, also known as a fantasy-suite-fluffer.

Lauren B.land is shocked. “This is one of my dreams.”

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This is just like my wet dream! Except it was on a lawn. And the baby turtles were mice. And Mel was my Dad.

It would be hilarious if Mel uncovered the turtles and they were all dead. Ben: “My day is really filled with cuteness. I have Lauren. I have these sea turtles. Mel’s really good-looking.” The sea turtles actually look like sand cockroaches though.

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Stuff of nightmares.

Lauren: “The fact that we get to be a part of releasing, like, baby turtles into the ocean that’ll hopefully grow the population as a whole, oh my gosh. I seriously feel like the luckiest girl in the world.”

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Does it GET any luckier than growing populations?

They jam the baby turtles in a dark bucket, probably the worst experience of their whole lives. Ben and Lauren grasp the bucket and Ben SAYS A PRAYER OVER THE TURTLES: “Thank you for allowing Lauren and I to be here today doing this together. Amen.“ Lauren: "Amen to that.” Once they’ve properly blessed the turtles, they dump them on the sand.

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Thank you for allowing me to bang three different women on three consecutive nights, the way the Lord would have intended. Thanks be to you, Lord Harrison. Amen.

Sand cockroaches: the ultimate aphrodisiac.

Ben tells Lauren about his conversation with her sister, during which he started sobbing about how great Lauren is. Ben: “I mean, she’s right. Like,you are incredible. I did. I just started crying… It was overwhelming… Like, you’re too good for me.”

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You WEPT to my sister about me? Aw.

Ben: “You’re beautiful and you’re smart and you’re sweet and you’re sensitive, and, like, it’s crazy.” What is actually crazy is that he’s picking up on all these attributes from Lauren B. I’ve literally been taking the smallest details of her life (love of lawns, going into dissociative states) and creating a fantasy personality out of them because she’s so dull. Just looked it up and I gave her her nickname on Week 2 and it has not changed.

Lauren definitely enters another dissociative state: “Your mind, like, goes to weird places when you’re apart… I think this last week was the first week where I really struggled. I mean, realistically, like from the get-go, that’s kind of what I was protecting myself from happening. It was like, ‘No, Lauren. Like, don’t. Like, guard yourself.’”

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No, Lauren. Bad Lauren. Don’t do it. Don’t become the crowd again. We said we would NEVER be that Lauren again. We were just following orders. We didn’t know the drifter was still alive!!

They then frolic in the water, trampling all the baby sea turtles.

And the Lord shall send down a second rainbow when it is time for the second woman to be fantasy suited.

Next they go see some live reggae and blend into the Jamaican crowd seamlessly.

Later, Ben: “I want to know, like, what your fears are and where you stand and what you’re scared of or what I’ve done wrong.” #Unlovable. Lauren: “I am completely in love with you. You really are, like, the man of my dreams. This isn’t something that’s like, new.” This isn’t something that’s like, true, either. Ben says BACHELOR RULES BE DAMNED: “I’ve known I’m in love with you for a while, as well.“


They say I love you a million times to each other. Ben’s breaking the cardinal Bachelor law. You can bang multiple women as long as you don’t tell them you love them.

Ben’s idea of foreplay is saying I love you as many times as possible.

The next morning… Delicate Ben: “Honey, I made breakfast.” All their clothes are on the floor. Ben: “I really do love you. And last night really did just help me know that more."Swearsies that wasn’t just so you’d put out. Lauren has watched too much Grey’s Anatomy. Lauren: "Ben’s my person.”

I feel like the producers are trying to tell us something but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Jojo’s Fantasy Suite Date

Ben: “Telling Lauren that I love her complicates things… It’s confusing but if I don’t know at the end of today that I love Jojo, I’ll have to say goodbye to her.” He’s so noble. Jojo jumps up into Ben’s arms. Each time she does this it makes me think she’s very brave.

Hey babe, why do you smell like fresh lawn clippings?

Jojo and Ben take a helicopter ride. They go to some waterfalls. There’s a wet crow. Ben: “I wish you could know, like what goes through my head.” If only there were some way to communicate the brain thoughts externally! Jojo: “I wish I was in your head. Trust me.” I wish I knew what was in his head when he got that GOD-AWFUL TATTOO.

Where’s the black box when you actually need it?

They jump in the water. Jojo’s boobs are falling out of her swimsuit this whole date and the Bachelor Blur Expert is working over-time.

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Blur watch.

Jojo: “Today is about taking risks. It all started with jumping off into the waterfall.” Well, technically the risks started with that bikini.

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Essential element of Fantasy Suite Date \\#1: Physical risk

Essential element of Fantasy Suite Date \\#2: Emotional risk

Jojo: “I’m not just falling in love anymore… I do love you. And that’s weird that I just said that because I have been so terrified about saying that.” Ben: “Jojo, I love you too.”


Jojo thinks he’s fucking with her at first. Jojo: “Are you allowed to say that?” Ben: “I’m not.”

NO YOU’RE NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ben’s confessional: “I don’t know how you can be in love with two women but I am… Right now it’s impossible to imagine saying goodbye to either of these women.” Right now, it’s impossible for me to imagine that the woman he picks is going to be OK with this scenario.

Jojo’s confessional: “Hearing Ben tell me how he feels makes me feel so much better and more secure in my relationship with him, and I think this is the first time that I have zero doubts that he’ll be my husband someday.”

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Zero doubts that he’ll be my husband, zero doubts that my bros will skip the wedding, and zero doubts that my Mom is drinking right now watching this.

Ben: “In the back of my mind, I’m flashing back to telling Lauren the same thing. And after telling two women that I’m in love with them, I’m in a state of shock.” Ben acts like he’s some sort of victim in this situation. Ben: “Tonight is about Jojo and I’m gonna just soak up every moment I get with her and not think about the decisions that have to come in the future.” Ben is CLEARLY only thinking of what he wants in the moment.

They have dinner in a magical garden. When they walk over to the table, Ben says: “We made it. Nice job.” What?

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Nice job getting to the dinner table. Nice job opening that envelope. Ooh look at you read! You go Jojo!

Ben: (scratching his head) “It doesn’t scare me to tell you that [I love you]. It doesn’t because I know how I feel.”

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It doesn’t scare me to tell you that. Yes, I keep itching my head nervously. Yes, my neck is completely flushed. Yes, I’ve just pissed myself realizing what I’ve done.

Ben and Jojo discuss Jojo’s bros hating him. Ben: “A comment was made that was like, ‘Well, you think you have a lot of power, don’t you?’”

Jojo: “They’re terrified that their sister’s gonna come home heartbroken again.” Jojo says she’s been thinking about how devastating it will be if she loses Ben. Jojo: “This is the most amazing thing that I’ve ever been apart of.” Very bizarre way to talk about a relationship.

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But let’s be honest, I do have all the power.

They bang. The next morning, Ben force-feeds Jojo in bed. Ben goes into these dates feeling like a schoolboy and leaves these dates, carrying his sleepover backpack like a schoolboy.

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See you in home room. Thanks for touching my down-there-parts.

Rose Ceremony

As was obvious from his dates, Ben confesses to Bachelor Nation that he “can’t get there with Caila.”

Meanwhile, the producers Caila hatches a plan to go surprise Ben before the rose ceremony. Caila: “I told Ben that I’m in love with him. And the way he looked at me back, I can tell he feels the same. I want to remind him that a relationship with me is going to be fun and full of surprises. I miss the man that I’m in love with… We’re just two people who love each other and want to be together. Crazy concept.” Caila sneaks up behind him and kisses him and the whole thing is gut-wrenching.

Notice Ben’s bizarre right hand pose on the side table.

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So good.

Ben is taken aback and does a long preamble to tell Caila the truth. Ben: “I am in love with two women here. And I just couldn’t say it back to you… I knew I was going to have to say goodbye to someone at some point who I was falling for and it’s really hard to imagine saying goodbye to you.” Caila: (waving him off) That sounds like a line.“ Ben: I’m going to miss you Caila.” Caila: “You don’t have to say that.”

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But if you weren’t in love with me why did you make love to me?

Caila gets in the limo, saying, “I really did love you.” She jumps out of the limo! Caila: “Wait. So did you know this week? (before we banged)… Actually I don’t even know if this will make me feel better.”

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So when did you know I wasn’t your future wife? Was it before or after you made me peg you?

Ben: “Up until this week, nobody has shared feelings like you shared with me. I came into this week after hometowns very up in the air, very conflicted, almost to the point of saying I don’t know if this is even going to work because I’m so conflicted.” Hearing their feelings supposedly solidified his feelings. I don’t buy it for a SECOND that he thought Caila might’ve been his wife. Ben wanted to bang out! Caila leaves for realzies.

Caila sobbing in limo: “I tried to jump into his arms and I didn’t feel it… I thought this was it.”

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I thought this was it. I opened up my toy factory to him.

Ben looks to the statues by his pool to help him shake off this break up. Ben: “Right now I have two true loves.”

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Right now, I have two true loves. Tricking women and banging out.

Chris Harrison greets Lauren B.land and Jojo in hushed, formal greetings, like they are preparing for some religious ceremony. Lauren tells Chris that Ben said “I love you” back and Chris makes this fucking sneaky face.

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Oh yeah? Totes didn’t know that. Totes not upset at him for breaking my edicts also.

Jojo is wearing the best dress. Ben, gesturing to both of the women left: “I’m confident in this.” Probably very reassuring for both of them.

Sooo are we doing this or what?

Next week is Women Tell All. Thank Jesus, the love of MY life, Olivia, will be back.

Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase

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