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February 20, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at www.brianlisi.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

At Brussels' international airport, masked robbers stole $50 million worth of diamonds without firing a single shot. Authorities suspect Rihanna may have helped them since she's an expert on things that shine like a diamond.

On Tuesday, North Korea warned that "South Korea's erratic behavior would only herald its final destruction." Thus answering the question as to when North Korea would finally hear the song "Gangnam Style."

In Syria, activists claim a rocket strike leveled buildings and killed at least 20 people in a neighborhood of Aleppo. Aleppo being Arabic for "Incredibly Apathetic Global Response."

A Kickstarter project is looking to fund a pen that draws in the air by extruding heated plastic. "Yeah, I bet it does," said the world's creepiest investor.

The Supreme Court will hear a case regarding limits on campaign donations. Judges will decide on whether politicians can accept a lot of money or an insane amount of money.

A branch of China's military reportedly hacked a company that designs oil pipeline and power grid software. The good news being not everyone is dead just yet.

Russians are selling pieces of the meteorite that crashed last week in Siberia. As an added bonus, for every five pieces you purchase, you get a free wife/daughter/no questions asked.

A pizza shop owner is offering a 15 percent discount to anyone with a gun. Still not as good as the 100 percent discount offered by 7-Eleven.

During a party at the Connecticut Science Center that lasted only two hours, Wesleyan University students allegedly climbed on dinosaur fossils, vomited off a flight of stairs, and did drugs and had sex in the bathrooms. Ya know, for science.

Microsoft is launching a $30 million campaign to convince people to use Outlook instead of Gmail. They hope it's as successful as Gmail's $3 campaign to get people to leave Hotmail.

The woman who trained Lassie and Flipper passed away this week. Her body was found at the bottom of a well.

Office Max and Office Depot are considering a merger. Which should work out since everyone thinks they did that already.

At a museum in Vienna, 60 patrons were allowed to attend a nude art exhibit while completely naked. The only rule being no Monét shots.