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October 10, 2017
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1) Be a Nambia tour guide

It’s October aka Spooktober aka Loxtober (when I go to NYC and eat a lot of bagels/lox) aka Nothing Is as Scary as Real Life Anymore and you know what that means: another rousing version of DIY political Halloween costumes. Because there’s nothing like combining the most terrifying thing ever (politics) with the second most terrifying thing ever (people who give out fruit to trick-or-treaters).

It’s been of a hell of a year and there’s a lot to be stressed about. Don’t make finding a costume one of those things.

Here are 9+ DIY politically inspired Halloween costumes. How the fuck is it only October?

1) Nambia Tour Guide

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Donald Trump isn’t good with geography? So what? Last time I checked he was president of the United States not the United World!!! Cut the guy some slack. Do you really want him taking time away from Fox & Friends to learn about the rest of the world? He’s just going to nuke everyone anyways. But, hey, at least his lack of knowledge gives us a great Halloween costume. Introducing you: Nambia’s best tour guide.

What You’ll Need:

-A uniform. Just use anything! The country doesn’t actually exist, so you can choose! Goodbye Halloween stress

-Knowledge of the country’s history. For instance, did you know that Nambia’s biggest export is fake news? Did you know that the country’s official bird is the Twitter logo?

-A bodyguard to help keep away all the people wanting to take pics with you because you have the best costume

2) Jared & Ivanka’s Influence

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Spoiler alert: It’s nothing. Zero. Zilch. The equivalent to Mitch McConnell’s pride. @Ivanka what do you do, though? “She’s in there doing what she can. It’s unrealistic, unfair and cruel to expect her to change climate policy and pre-K and women’s issues in six months.” - Couri Hay. Cool cool. Cool cool cool. Well, Javanka, you haven’t been able to save us, but at least you will make a good Halloween costume.

What You’ll Need:

-1 empty garbage bag

-Fill garbage bag with nothing just like Jared & Ivanka’s political influence

-Bonus: It doubles as a rain poncho in case it rains

3) Dizzy Kellyanne Conway

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Get it? Because she’s so busy spinning. Every. Fucking. Thing. Lol. Not funny, I hate her. Don’t you ever get tired, Kellyanne? Don’t you ever want to stop? Don’t you ever think about how you could be using your time? Instead of lying? Instead of playing this game? I mean it so literally that most fans I’ve encountered in my life spin slower than Kellyanne Conway.

What You’ll Need:

-Blonde wig (unless you’re blonde, obvi)

-Idk dress like Kellyanne Conway dresses

-Spin in circles the entire night

-Yes, even when trick-or-treating

-Yes, even if you have to go to the bathroom

-Yes, even if someone proposes to you

-Yes, even if there’s an alien abduction

-When you’re Kellyanne Conway, you always spin

4) The Popular Vote

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Remember the election? Oh, what’s that, you’re reliving it every day? Then you may have heard once or twice that Hillary Clinton won the popular vote (by millions). Since we’re never going to stop talking about the 2016 Election and Fox News is always going to find a way to blame news on Clinton, let’s just lean into the curve.

What You’ll Need:

-“Vote” shirt (maybe like this one: https://www.google.com/search?q=vote+shirt&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj2oLrSpufWAhWFMSYKHXmgDv8Q_AUICygC&biw=800&bih=593#imgrc=FJ_vbvjfX6VdiM)

-1 leather jacket

-1 pair of sunglasses

-1 set of v cool headphones

-Sit at the popular table in the cafeteria, get asked to prom by an upperclassman, pretend not to care about doing your homework, throw a party when your parents are gone and accidentally get too drunk, idgaf

5) The New York Times Opinion Section

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The old NYT Opinion Section can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, because it’s dead. The section has been taking a gap year and trying to find itself aka running columns denying climate change. Anyways, ugh I’m exhausted (but not exhausted enough to make this into a Halloween costume).

What You’ll need:

1) Print out all of Bret Stephens’ columns

2) Make them into a wearable costume

3) Get in a food fight

4) Now you have a mess in the opinions section

6) The Sean Spicer Second Chance “Missing” Poster

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Newsflash: Sean Spicer enabled Donald Trump and continually (and knowingly) lied to the American people (us!!) to cover up for him. I won’t even give someone a second chance if they don’t like a band I showed them, so how are we going to give Sean “stop shaking your head” Spicer a second chance? We’re not. In September, he was somehow invited on stage to participate in the Emmy Awards. Celebrities even posed with him for selfies. Don’t think I forgot, James Corden!!! Stand in solidarity against Sean Spicer by dressing up as his second chance this Halloween.

What You’ll Need:

-A giant poster

-Some string

-Sean Spicer headshot

-Poster headline — “Missing: Sean Spicer’s Second Chance”

-Poster text — “We can’t find Sean Spicer’s second chance because he doesn’t get one or deserve one because for months he defended a racist, sexist liar. If found, please don’t return. We hate Sean Spicer.”

7) A Detective Looking for Paul Ryan’s Spine

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Paul Ryan is kind of like expired food. He’s bad. But policies and ideals aside, what makes him the worst is his inability to stand up to Donald Trump. Sure, maybe a tweet here and there. Perhaps even a well thought out statement. But even after events like the White Supremacist Rally in Charlottesville, no action. Business as usual. You can’t really blame him, though. It’s hard to stand up to people without a spine. Luckily, I also wrote a piece compiling spine doctors in every state. This Halloween, please help Speaker Ryan find his spine.

What You’ll Need:

-It depends: you can either be a human detective or a mouse detective like that Disney movie. That will affect the costume greatly.

-1 magnifying glass

-1 trenchcoat

-A warrant for Paul Ryan’s spine

8) Real Life Twitter “Ratio”

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Ah, the ever-fearful Twitter ratio. A staple in these troubled times. The only consistent things in my life are bad takes getting “the ratio” and also Boy Meets World episodes consistently being good. Are you a racist? Hate an objectively good movie? Are you Chris Cillizza? You’ve probably received the ratio at some point. Check out some examples here and here. You’ve seen the ratio, you’ve experienced the ratio, and now, you can be the ratio.

What You’ll Need:

-A handful of note cards with bad opinions

-Ex: Actually, the Holocaust was good…

-Ex: Actually, this is why Spider-Man 3 is the best movie…

-Then just wait

-Then lose all your friends

And Finally…

9) A Racist, Moronic, Sexual Predator

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What you’ll need:

-Just dress like Donald Trump

“I just start kissing them, it’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it.”

— Donald Trump, President of the United States

Honorable Mentions

-Chris Christie on the beach

-President Jimmy Kimmel

-White guys hosting a podcast

-Eminem trying to find a fuck to give

-Tiki Torch sales graph

-A hot take

-Megyn Kelly not being political

-Tiffany Trump’s diary

And of course

-The exclamation point from the Jeb! logo

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