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May 24, 2016
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Jojo is the new Bachelorette and she's meeting the Firefighter, the Hipster, the Erectile Dysfunction Manufacturer, the guy dressed as Santa Claus and all the other men who want to be her husband!

Below is a recap from The Bachelorette episode from 5-23-16, Jojo Meets the Men. Spoilers, obviously.

And we’re BACK! Jojo is The Bachelorette and we’ve got 74 dudes who want to date her. I liked Jojo last season because she tells it like it is - just kidding, i’ve never said that about anyone. She seemed fun and authentic so I liked her. I’m excited to watch her for a season, but she also seems like a good person so my conscience feels bad that she is entering into a gladiator game of emotional hurricanes. But it’s time to turn off that conscience so I can enjoy the show I’ve ben waiting three months for! Are we ready for this? Honestly, I’m on edibles and in Hawaii, so I guess that makes me the most ready. Let’s get into it.

1. Remember Jojo?

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Hi, I want to be your wife!

They kick off the premiere by reminding us of Jojo. Remember her? She wore a unicorn mask and made out with Ben a bunch last season. Then he told her he loved her! And then he broke her heart. But she’s back and ready to find love. Seems like stepping back into a snake pit that also has tigers and bears, but ok!

2. Remember These Other Bachelorettes?

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Guess what? Nothing. We have nothing to add.

Then there’s the cliche scene where former Bachelorettes return to give advice. It was so boring except for when Kaitlyn is being the coolest and calling out how weird and crazy this whole thing is. Otherwise, delete scene. This is like an unspecial feature.

3. Meet One Million Men

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This is Aaron Rodgers’ Brother. He’s pretty.

Time to meet the dudes. This process lasts approximately 4 and a half hours to the viewer. We can forget names for now, it’s too many to bother with. Each guy comes with his own distinctive characteristic: there’s Firefighter, Aaron Rodgers’ little brother, Erectile Disfunction guy, Twin, LA Bartender, Canadian, Former Professional Swimmer, dude in kilt…

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“I’m so normal,” Jojo, while meeting dozens of men vying to be her husband.

First impressions of the batch so far as usual - several seem gay, several seem too weird to talk to, all look like brothers from the same family. Could they do that? Have an entire pool of Bachelors be brothers and cousins so they are all related? Is that weird? Edibles are fun. I’m going on the balcony of my hotel to look at the ocean. All these dudes look the same so it’s not like I’ll miss anything.

4. Dudes Think Being Weird is Romantic

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Please tell me why I am doing this to myself, Magical Unicorn.

Weirdos are coming in droves for the second half… Santa Claus, Mustache, Hipster, Superfan, Motorcycle (Jojo was SO impressed) Dude on a unicorn (call back!)

5. These Dudes Are Lightweights

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Jojo goes inside and has to talk to all 95 men. She has some fine, some weird and some sexy conversations. But mostly a bunch of dudes are drinking and starting to act a fool. The Canadian pokes another dude’s belly button and it starts a whole man off chest showing situation that as a lesbian on edibles, I’m really not interested in.

And next the Canadian is taking his clothes off and jumping in the pool. Damn Daniel! That is a call back to a lame video that Canadian brought up. He seems scary but not that scary, like a vampire from Canada.

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6. Aaron Rodgers’ Brother Got Game

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The first impression rose goes to Rodgers. He was the suavest of the pack. Rico Suave. Remember Rico Suave? I kind of do. Is he the same as Richard Grieco?

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Rico Suave

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Richard Grieco

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Jordan Suave

7. A Rose Ceremony for Eternity

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At this point, might as well throw the roses in the air and whoever catches gets to stay.

Time for a giant rose ceremony where she will get rid of some dudes, but WAIT. Jake Pavelka?? WHY? OMG I start freaking out because if he is joining the show, this is so dumb. What a stupid ploy for attention. And then NOPE. He’s friends with her? Just wanted to say good luck? HOW ABOUT A TEXT JAKE PAVELKA?? And you know what, red flag for me that Jojo is friends with him. He seems shady as fuck. Damn Bachelorette. Way to keep me on my toes.

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They offered me a few grand and I came. This has been my time.

Now Jojo reads a series of 65 names, none of which make difference to me at this point. I don’t even know who stayed, i’ve been watching a luau across the street. Yay Bachelorette is back!!

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