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August 03, 2016
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What good is a penny if you don't know how to use it?

Pennies, the nation’s forgotten coin. These lil’ Lincolns are all around us, but most Americans don’t know how to use them correctly. But don’t worry if you’re still in the dark, as we’ve put together this easy guide on how to use pennies.


Step 1: Find A Penny

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Though not America’s smallest coin in size, pennies are America’s smallest coin in reputation, which means they can be easy to lose track of. Check under furniture, in crevices in your car, and even in your pockets. Be sure to pop off your phone case and check inside there; you’ll be surprised by the spots pennies manage to wriggle their way into.


Step 2: Reach Back With Your Dominant Arm

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Holding the penny firmly in one hand, cock your arm behind your ear with your elbow facing back. Not sure which hand is your dominant hand? Reach for the nearest doorknob: the hand you reached with is your dominant one!


Step 3: Visually Locate The Nearest Bird

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Any kind of bird will do, it only has to be close. If you’re outside, look up into trees or on top of buildings, these are birds’ favorite hiding places. If you’re inside, look out a window: Birds big and small love to sit by our houses and buildings, squawking and hooting. If you’re in a major city, odds are you’re close to swarms of surly pigeons, taunting you with their filthy feathers.


Step 4: Get Mad At Birds

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Get yourself riled up at the audacity of birds. This is our world now, the birds had their chance but they couldn’t hack it, so now they’ve got to deal with the consequences! They’re being sore losers and you and this penny are gonna show them who’s boss.


Step 5: Take Aim

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Using your eyes and other hand to guide yourself, judge the distance and direction the penny has to sail to hit this feathered freak you have your sights on. Remember to think about wind, a thrower’s constant foe!


Step 6: Whip The Penny Forward And At The Bird

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Here’s the fun part! Crank that arm forward and out and release ol’ Honest Abe right at that bird. If you did it right, the penny should sail forward and slam right into that cocky fowl. You and all those around you will cheer and be filled with the pride.


Step 7: Get Creative

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Have some fun with it! Try give the penny some spin. Try throwing two at a time. Or even try bouncing it off a wall and into a bird. The sky’s the limit! The sky is also the part of planet earth we must reclaim from those bastard birds by putting our over abundance of pennies to good use.


Now you know how to properly use a penny! Good luck and have fun!

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