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Published September 21, 2011
Below is a letter received by the makers of the film Black Swan:

Dear Fox Searchlight Pictures,

            Being a zoologist, I am deeply offended by the use of the term “black swan” in your film entitled Black Swan.  First of all, I must admit I have not viewed the film but from the 30-second preview I saw, I could say that your film is an outrageous abomination to the whole swan community. I have never seen such ignorance displayed; even the simplest minded person knows that they prefer to be called “darker toned water fowls”.  The term “swan” is also not the proper nomenclature to use.  Male “swans” should be referred to as a “cob” while females should be referred to as “pen”. For all of their existence these “black swans”, as you call them, have been overshadowed by “white swans” or “normal swans”.  Even more offensive is the portrayal of the darker toned waterfowls as evil.  I, for the better part of 25 years now, have considered these “swans” to be my family. These creatures would not harm a fly, unless they happened to be hungry. 

            It is preposterous to have the setting of your film to be New York City and even more preposterous for it to be a ballet.  The darker toned waterfowls are native to Australia and it would be very difficult for them to navigate their way to New York City.  It would be even harder for them to survive in the polluted center of the city.  I also don’t agree with the fact that you have human beings portraying the waterfowls in the film.  I personally know many waterfowls that have been struggling for years to make it into the movie business.  You would have been worshiped by the swan community for casting a bird to play a bird, but instead you chose to give the finger to a whole species.  I’ll have you know that “Swans” are people too, some might say even better because they can fly.

            You can forget about being considered for an Oscar or a Golden Globe since I have sent a similar letter to the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, The Academy, and various other Hollywood mega-celebrities like Arsenio Hall, The Apprentice winner Kwame Jackson, Richard Hatch the convicted felon nudist Survivor champion, Richard Hatch the Battlestar Galactica actor, and a Don Johnson imperonator/pornstar by the name of Dong Johnson.  I for one will not be buying your standard DVD, Special Edition DVD, DVD with commentary, BluRay, BluRay Director’s Cut, standard definition digital download, HD digital download, Netflix, Blockbuster, Redbox, or The Criterion Collection Box Set.  As you read this letter I am now torrenting the film illegally and plan to burn it to a DVD so I can hold a mass burning (the fire type) of the DVD’s tonight at the lake behind my parents house.

May the “swans” show mercy on your soul,

Dr. Gregory T Goldsmith

P.S. you can add me on MySpace: www.MySpace.com/WaterFoul

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