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May 10, 2010

The Aristocrats

Disclaimer: This entry is my version of a joke that has been passed around and rewritten by comedians in the United States for years called The Aristocrats. The rules of the joke are that every version starts in the same place and ends in the same place and that the joke must be told with the most offensive language possible. So, needless to say, if you don't have the heart for extremely vulgar and profane humor, go to the next entry. Don't say I didn't tell you so...

So a theatre producer is sitting in his office one day when a man walks in to pitch an act. The man says, “I’ve got this great family act that I do with my wife and three sons.” The producer is a little hesitant but he doesn’t have much else going on that day so he says, “Okay, shoot. Let me hear what it’s about.” The father says, “Okay great, here’s what we do. We all come out hanging from ropes over the audience, dressed in angel costumes. There’s a bright light from above, kind of like heaven. Once the curtain’s drawn and we’re all visible to the audience, my three sons fly towards each other and slowly start to disrobe one another. First they untie each others’ belts and then the robes get pulled off to reveal the three hardest cocks you’ve ever seen, already dripping with precum. The precum is supposed to symbolize anticipation but depending on how sophisticated the audience is on any given night it might go right over their heads, so to speak. So anyways, they each get in a circle and start wetting their hands with each others’ precum and then fingering each others’ assholes, with the aid of the precum as lube. Once their tight little assholes are lubed up and stretched out enough, a train is formed. And by train, I mean they line up one behind the other and start fucking, like a train. The youngest is always the one in the middle because he likes to get fucked and fuck, he’s what you call ‘versatile.’ The oldest is in back because he’s a total top and doesn’t like to get fucked. He just likes to do the fucking. The middle son, Larry, is a total bottom and just likes to get fucked. He doesn’t really like to do the fucking that much. He’s a good boy, though and we love him. So, anyway, they’re all just fucking away, and eventually the middle son will get so stretched out because of his brother’s huge cock that shit will start to dribble out of his asshole and down his legs. Then my wife swoops over from across the stage with a jar and a sponge. She mops up as much of the shit as she can and squeezes it out into the jar. Then she comes back over to me, dabs some of the shit on her lips and starts sucking my cock. So she sucks and sucks and sucks till I blow a huge, three day load into her mouth. That, by the way, is the reason we can only do two shows a week, because I have to save up a three day load so that it will be big enough. Well, my wife will take the load that she would otherwise swallow and spit it into the jar. Then she closes the lid of the jar, wedges the jar between her tits and starts shaking. She shakes the jar until the shit and the cum are all mixed up and she goes back over to the train. She blindfolds the middle son and shoves his nose into the opening of the jar. Inevitably, our son will grow sick from the smell and gag and throw up. When he does, my wife tries to capture as much of the puke as she can. When she gets the puke in there, she mixes up the jar again. Then the middle son is pulled out of the train. My wife and I bend him over, spread his ass cheeks toward the audience and get his ass as spread out as possible. Sometimes we have to use a shoehorn. Then we take a funnel, stick it up his ass as far as it will go and start dumping the mixture of shit and cum and puke into his asshole. Now it’s my turn to fuck him. So I start pounding his ass as fast as I can, and this mixture gets all foamy and starts dripping onto the stage. That’s okay, though, because we have plans for it. As soon as I cum again, this time in my son’s ass, we descend to the stage. We line the boys up side by side and put choke collars on them and huge black butt plugs up their asses. The boys are commanded by my wife, who is now wearing a t-shirt that says “Somethin’s Cookin’ in Grandma’s Kitchen,” to slurp up the puddle of puke, cum and shit. If they can’t do it, she punishes them by laying them on their backs, spreading their legs and stomping on their testicles with her heels. Then, she and I tie all the boys to crucifixes and inject urine into the tucks below their eyelids. Finally, we…”

“Hold on just a second there buster,” says the producer. “It was one thing when you started talking about fuckin’ your son up the ass but that whole bit about the piss injections and a crucifix convinced me. I saw that act less than a month ago, you thief. It’s called the Aristocrats.”