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I’m All In

by Wayne Coyne
 
For years, my band, The Flaming Lips, has set out to make interesting, original, and ever-evolving music that is compelling and challenging to both ourselves and our fans. While other rock bands have been quick to embrace safe, familiar, and commercially viable rock sounds, The Flaming Lips have always resisted the urge to “sell out." Until now. That’s right, after talking it over with my new friend, doubles partner, and spiritual advisor, Alec Baldwin, I, Wayne Coyne, do hereby announce that I am retiring from indie life. I am ready to fully embrace the mainstream. I’m ready to go all in.    
 
I’ve spent the last 30 years of my life not being hounded by the paparazzi, and I can’t stand it anymore. Do you know how many photographers have chased me down in the streets of New York and L.A., just to snap a picture of my newborn daughter? Zero. Mainly because I don’t have a newborn daughter and I live on a farm in Oklahoma. These are all things I am hoping to change. I want a child named Apple, or North, or Soap, or Money, and to rest quietly with that child on the pages of Vogue magazine. 
 
People have accused me of being incredibly easygoing and routinely “staying on the handle” at members of the media. I want to change that. 
 
For years, I have focused on my body of work. Now, I want to work on my body. I have suffered far too many injustices over the years thanks to my relative mainstream obscurity. Adam Levine is People Magazine’s reigning "Sexist Man Alive," but next year I plan to unseat him. How? With even more perfect stubble, more chiseled abs, and more of a major role on a primetime singing-contest show. Because I’m all in. 
 
I’m tired of playing live shows at only-somewhat-large venues for thousands of devoted music fans. I want to play in stunning 1080p, between Doritos commercials, for MILLIONS of half-interested football fans. I want to play the Super Bowl. I want Slash to be catapulted up from beneath the stage, and to rip a gnarly guitar solo alongside Joe Perry on a surprise “Walk This Way”/“November Rain” medley. And I want to drive up to the stadium in an all-new 2014 Cadillac CTS sedan, only $539/month for 36 months with $1,500 due at signing for well-qualified lessees. Cadillac: Break Through™. I'm all in.
 
So goodbye privacy, artistic integrity, and respect from my peers, Hello money, in-ground pools, and tanned, taut, fake-ass titties on ice.
 
Coyne out
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