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May 03, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Florida Gov. Rick Scott denied Tampa's request to ban concealed weapons outside this summer's Republican National Convention. Because there's no telling when you're going to encounter a black wearing a hoodie.

In Germany, a judge has prohibited the sale of Microsoft products such as Windows 7 and the Xbox 360. Bad news considering what happened the last time Germans didn't have videogames. That's right, organized bike races.

According to a theoretical physicist, Moore’s Law is starting to fail and computer power will no longer double every two years. Though you'd be pessimistic too if you got a Nook for your birthday.

Yankees pitcher Andy Pettitte testified that he's only 50 percent sure Roger Clemens told him he used human growth hormone. Pettitte said it's entirely possible he just said he liked using "blue pan mouth doorman."

Harvard and MIT plan to offer free online courses. But why get the milk for free when the University of Phoenix cow feels so good?

Horror film director Eli Roth is planning to build a haunted house in Las Vegas. It'll be dark, intentionally disorienting, and full of zombies. He's calling it "A Casino."

In a speech about progress in Afghanistan, President Obama promised to "finish the job." He then made his hand look like a gun and pointed it at Hamid Karzai.

The creators of Firefox attacked Congress for proposing the Cyber Intelligence Sharing and Protection Act. In related news, Internet Explorer will do whatever you want, just please don't leave it alone again.

In China, blind activist Chen Guangcheng was told that if he remained in the U.S. embassy, his wife would be beaten to death by Chinese officials. Guangcheng said it's nice to finally have time to watch "Game of Thrones" season 1.

Leonard Nimoy will reportedly reprise the role of Spock in the next "Star Trek" movie. Meanwhile, William Shatner will reprise the role of eccentric sitcom father figure and/or executive.