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  • Drink plenty of sunscreen.
  • Get appropriate zoning permits for all sand castle construction.
  • Introduce yourself to the lifeguards. They’ll be much more inclined to get up and do something if they can put a face to the cries for help.
  • Though full of pristine sand and excellent surf, Iraq’s beaches are best avoided.
  • If you spot a shark, quickly bite off your own arm to show it you’re a crazy motherfucker with nothing to lose.
  • Blow on hot sand before stepping on it.
  • Pay attention to boogie boarders. They rule.
  • Wear a Life Jacket, Life Pants, and a Life Helmet.
  • If an outrageous volleyball save seems like it might break your neck, hey, man, there’s no more glorious way to go.
  • Stay alert. Contrary to movies like Jaws, a real shark might have an uptempo theme song that isn’t ominous at all.
  • Remember those red floating things the lifeguards on Baywatch had? God that was a fun show.
  • Walk up and down the beach peeing on strangers and shout “Worry not, good citizens, I’m protecting you from jellyfish!”
  • Fake drown a couple of times to keep the life guards on their toes.
  • At least one member of your group should know CPR. Also, at least one member of your group should be good at cracking safes just in case you get up to any zany heists.
  • If you spot a jellyfish, shoot it.
  • Wear a condom at all times.
  • If you see a bear, remember to play dead. Also report that shit because a bear on a beach is fucked up.
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