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September 18, 2008


A brief (fake) chat between Quentin Tarantino and David Mamet

As (not) overheard by Ivan O’Uris

(Who is not Quentin Tarantino or David Mamet, nor does he wish to be)

(However, he occasionally wishes to be a muscular, hairless, Chippendales-style beefcake god who is part of a two-man team of muscular, hairless, Chippendales-style beefcake gods that Hillary Rodham Clinton rides as she enters a huge amphitheater full of sex-starved women,  sporting black go-go boots, one foot atop each man, her 4-inch heels digging into them, but that’s another matter)


Mamet:  Hey, Quint.

Tarantino:  Hey, Dave.

Mamet:  Fuck you, Quint.

Tarantino:  Fuck you, too, buddy.

Mamet:  See you later, motherfucker.

Tarantino:  Fuckin’-A right, man.


Background Notes: Ivan felt inspired to write this profane epic after watching three equally profane movies: “Pulp Fiction,” “Glengarry Glen Ross” and “The Sound of Music.” He got so emotionally involved in it that he cursed in every sentence for a week after writing it. This came to a head when someone asked how he was and he replied, “I’m fucking great. How the fuck are fucking you?” –  in a fucking church.

“A brief (fake) chat between Quentin Tarantino and David Mamet” originally appeared (in altered form) in the October-December 1997 issue of Lies Magazine. To obtain a hard copy of the issue … you should probably contact someone who collects old zines, because it folded years ago. However, the poem is still available in its unaltered form at www.aidabet.com/LIES/L15Ivan.html.


Background Notes That Are Actually More like Getting down on One’s Knees and Pleading: The above poem has not been endorsed by Quentin Tarantino or David Mamet. That should be obvious, but it seems necessary to state that, just to prevent Mr. Tarantino and/or Mr. Mamet from sending out a covey of untamed, rabies-infected entertainment lawyers to seek lots of money.


Background Notes That Are Actually for Product Promotion: An audio adaptation of “A brief (fake) chat between Quentin Tarantino and David Mamet” is available as part of the audio download “B.O.A.T. Episode No. 1” at www.mypace.com/muttmedia. Check it out – and the following audio pieces:


“Claude Meatpants Interprets Ivan O’Uris.”

“Entrevista con ‘La Asesina Latina’ ” (partes 1-3) (in Spanish)


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