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January 02, 2012

Danny Zuker(Writer/Executive Producer on the hit show Modern Family) told me he could use a black friend. These are a series of letters to show him exactly why I'm the only Black friend he needs.


Dear Danny Zuker,

I hope you had a good New Year's Eve. I didn't do anything special. Unless you count staying home, eating a chow mein, buffalo chicken tenders, steak with fetta cheese, strawberries and blackberries with your ex girlfriend while you watch Dick Clark's Rockin' New Years Eve as being special. 

I haven't really made a resolution for this year. I just know what I want and I go for it, I take it. Kind of like a rapist of life you know? But not like "rapist" rapist. Like if there was ever a positive connotation of being a rapist, it would be the guy who takes what he wants from life, instead of casually trying to date life and hope it likes you back enough to give you "something" and then you spend a bunch of money of dates and gifts for three months only to find out that you were "just a friend" the whole time and she's still dating a guy from Michigan State she never told you about who is really no good for her anyway but she's just too young to see it. What were we talking about? Oh, life rapists. So yeah, that's what I mean. Life rapists are good people. People rapists are bad.

Did you get any cool gifts this holiday season? I've never had to buy a gift for white guy but from what I know, I probably couldnt go wrong with like, any season of Mad Men on dvd, any Malcolm Gladwell book, or something like Ray Ban Wayfarer sunglasses. White guys REALLY love those. It's cool because they're really dark and I can't see white people judging me from behind them.

I assume they give you a free pair when you turn 13 as part of the "Born White" package or something. But if I ever wanted to capture a white guy for some reason, all I would have to do is put a pair of those on the ground under a giant box, propped up with a stick and a string attached to pull once a white guy went to pick them up. Or a gun. Being black with a gun is also a great way to catch a white guy.

Well Dan-Man, I'm gonna go find myself some food and finish watching the Rose Bowl game. I hear black people don't watch Mad Men and personally I haven't seen an episode of it and I hear there's not Black people on the show so maybe we can get together and you can explain it all to me someday. I'll bring you a pair of Wayfarer's too in case your other ones are broken or lost or just need replacing. Until next time D-Money.


Your Black Friend.