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Published December 23, 2010

Tip #1:

If eating at the mall food court gives ya gas, head directly to the Yankee Candle store.  Other than an alley next to a sewage plant, there’s NO BETTER place to fart.  And, if someone DOES notice your fart, just act like YOU WORK THERE and tell’em “that’s our new candle scent called, “Outhouse on a Tuna Boat!” Just for the sake of credibility, tell’em the smell makes YOU gag too!

AUTHOR’S NOTE: I’ve always wondered if the ladies that work in Yankee Candle go home and rub their husband’s crusty under drawers on their nose to re-calibrate their sense of smell.

Tip #2:

 If yer  tryin’ to decide between getting someone  a wine rack or a 25-piece dining room set, go to IKEA!  Everything’s the same basic kit there.  The only difference between an IKEA wine rack and their 25-piece dining room set is:  4 extra pieces of plastic coated cardboard, an extra baggie of self-locking thingies and 800 plastic connectors. 

AUTHOR’S NOTE: IKEA is a Swedish for, “Americans actually think we buy this SOAPWORD!”

Tip #3:

Don’t stop at those “international house of CRAP” kiosks in the center of the mall.  You know, the ones were they try to suck you into their evil web of unnecessary conversation, “Can I ask you a question?” “Can I put some cream on your hands?” or “Can I pet your hair?”  Now look, I’m not “mid-east prejudiced.”  I mean, I eat my share of humus and pitas throughout the year.  It’s just that these people are undermining the REAL economy - all of the “Made in China” stuff at the Dollar Stores!

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Some of my BEST FRIENDS are Chinese and Middle Eastern!

I also have a tip for Victoria Secret, but FIRST, here’s a Little Johnny fallacy:

The teacher asked all of the students to bring in something to illustrate what Christmas is all about.
 
 The next day, Little Sally was first. "I've brought a toy reindeer because Santa's sleigh is pulled by reindeer."
 
 Georgie  had brought a piece of a tree from his garden."This is what Christmas trees are made of."  Little Bruce had brought some wrapping paper.

Little Johnny at the back of the class had his hand up, snapping his fingers, saying, "Miss, Miss," for a loooooooong time.  As a last resort the teacher calls on him. "Okay, Little Johnny, what have you brought?"

Proudly, Little Johnny produces a set of panties, which he twirls around his finger, high above his head, for all of the class to see.
 
"What are THOSE?" demands teacher, as if she didn't know."I can see THAT, Johnny. But what have they got to do with Christmas?"
 
"They're girls' panties" said Little Johnny.
 
 "They're Carol's."
 
Okay, here’s what REALLY happened.  First, there was a MEAN kid named Micky Carroll in my class.  There was ALSO a girl named Carol in my class.  Carol was slightly over weight to the tune of, I think she’s not shopping at the Dress Barn this year - she’s just shoppin’ at THE barn and the only thing they have in her size is a 10-foot lasso. 

Second, I DID get caught with girl’s panties in school one year at Christmas time.  Ya see, one day before school,  I was “gift snooping” and my mom caught me.  Just before she did, I had found some lacey undies that my dad must have got her.  Too afraid to admit what I was doing I said, “I have to borrow these ‘cuz I pooped in mine.”  I put them on, pulled my sweat pants up and ran off to catch the school bus. 

When I got to school, Micky Caroll de-pants’d me!  There I was, in the middle of the cafeteria, in girls panties.  In my emotional panic, I tried to make it look like Micky set me up and yelled, “THESE PANTIES ARE CAROL’S!!” Yeah, you got it, Carol, THE GIRL, put down her 6-foot breakfast hoagie and whooped my “SOAPWORD!”  I’ve been scarred since.

Okay, now that I’m done dredging up my Christmas NIGHTMARE, one more shopping tip:

Tip #4

Don’t go to Victoria Secret and say to the staff, “You look just like my wife, can you put this on so I can see what it will look like on her?”  After about 45 minutes and 8 wardrobe changes, they start to get suspicious.

Get more on www.IamLittleJohnny.com

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