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June 02, 2011

What happens when you don't have friends

I get that we all want to be individualistic but this guy has to be married. The reason I say this is because when you’re married for X number of years your friends turn into ghosts (See below for the function). You either don’t have them anymore or you just catch a glimpse of them every now and again in weird places. Weird places; i.e. public restrooms, lingerie section of Victoria’s Secret, or banging your wife in your bedroom. 

# Friends / Years married = 0 (Makes zero sense but I’m sure you hate math anyways) My point is the longer you’re married the less friends you have until it comes to zero.

Anyways, there is no fucking way ponytail guy has friends. If one of my friends’ (friends’ is plural because I’m not married yet) had hair like this we would have:

1. Stopped him at shoulder length
2. Wouldn’t be his friend
3. Got him so drunk that he either forgot to put his shoes back on or we put them back on him then shamed him by shaving a spot on his head so he’d have to cut it all
4. Got him to donate that horse tail to Locks of Love
5. Started a facebook fan page promoting the cutting of his hair for 100,000 likes
6. At least told him to take out all the ponytail holders
7. Made him go to the gym and get buff so he could at pretend to be Fabio
8. “Accidently” get that thing caught in something he couldn’t get it out of
9. Told him he’d lose his virginity before 43
10. Just told him how much of a white trash douche bag he really was or made fun of him until it was gone

Because seriously, isn’t that what friends are for? I almost talked Ebonics when I was younger. I’m not saying it’s stupid for black people to speak Ebonics but when you’re a corn fed white boy in the country, you need a bitch slap. The phrase that pays for me was “Who dat?” Sounds quite alright coming out of Chad Johnson(Ochocinco)’s mouth, not so much out of a nut hugging blue jeans/flannel wearing cracker.

So my point is; if you are friends with a guy with a ponytail like this; you are not really his friend. Unless your friend is a ninja and uses it for battling other ninjas; you deserve death by spork stabbing for not helping a fellow man out.

Your thoughts?