The first Democratic presidential candidate debate will take place this Tuesday October 13th at 8:30 p.m. ET on CNN in Las Vegas, Nevada. Not wanting to be outdone by the circus show of the Republican debates, see below for how the Democratic National Committee has promised to take advantage of their exciting Las Vegas location!


  • One podium reserved for one of Siegfried and Roy’s white tigers, who will be standing on its hind legs because it thinks its people.
  • Liberal drug policy on stage with access to a “whatever floats your boat” narcotics table.
  • Each candidate’s podium is stocked with water bottles and bachelorette party penis straws.
  • Hillary Clinton will wear a Manny Pacquiao vs. Floyd Mayweather t-shirt.
  • Each candidate has one opportunity during the debate to not answer one question and instead just say, “Who wants to see a cool trick?”
  • The debate will be presented in “4D” with the audience able to “feel” the debate thanks to seats that rumble when candidates are arguing and that also blow hot, muggy air on the backs of their necks when any candidate makes a promise they will not be able to keep.
  • For every second a candidate goes over their allocated time for a response, they will be lowered an inch closer into a pool of big, angry crabs (note: all candidates are barefoot).
  • Debate moderator Anderson Cooper will surprise candidates with the prompt, “Which one of you … can tame this tiger!?“
  • Pre-debate coverage will include footage of Bernie Sanders in line with other seniors waiting for the 5:00pm dinner buffet to open at The Rio.
  • An American Ninja Warrior Course will be set up in the background, and in order to earn a rebuttal debaters will need to get to at least the warped wall.
  • When things get boring CNN will cut away to Bill Clinton with his arms around two strippers outside Olympic Gardens.
  • Penn and Teller will attempt a magic trick to make Joe Biden appear at an empty podium.
  • One of the candidates will announce that their economic plan is just to "bet it all black.”
  • Jim Webb will be put in a costume to look like Zach Galifianakis in ‘The Hangover’ with that baby strapped to his front (note: baby will be a real baby).
  • A digital ticker above the stage will show the Vegas betting odds on who will get the Democrat nomination (Hillary 1:1, Chafee 1:1,000,000,000,000; Bernie Sanders 1:notachance, etc).
  • Martin O'Malley will be revealed to be a puppet operated by Jeff Dunham in order to promote his new Comedy Central half-hour.
  • The last Democrat standing wins one million dollars and a Pontiac Aztec.
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