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December 13, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

This week, the New York Post's cover featured a picture of a man moments before he was shot in the back. Raising the question, just how low will they stoop to get the right angle of a person about to die?

George W. Bush's daughter Jenna is pregnant. The Bush family already loves it more than Jeb.

The pope sent out his first tweet on Wednesday. Turns out, he also thinks Chris Brown is a douche.

Paul McCartney will take Kurt Cobain's place for a Nirvana reunion. Meanwhile, Ringo will play the role of Kurt Cobain's shotgun.

Former Red Sox third baseman Kevin Youkilis has been signed to the Yankees. To welcome him, the Yankees will present him with a jersey featuring the number Thirty-Jerkmouth.

"Sesame Street" will begin teaching children about divorce. The Count playing a special part by tallying up exactly how much its their fault.

Researchers say they've found the oldest-ever carvings of a pharaoh. The carvings are a bit jagged, suggesting Kathie Lee was a big drinker even back then.

North Korea said their rocket launch on Wednesday morning was a success. Said officials, "It didn't kill any South Koreans but a win is a win!"

Rebekah Brooks, the former News Corp executive at the center of Britain's phone hacking scandal, received $17 million when she resigned from the company. $17 million and she still doesn't know how to spell her first name properly.

Border Patrol says drug dealers have been launching cans of marijuana into the U.S. using a cannon. Either that or the rumors are true: There's a circus in Mexico made up entirely of performers who are marijuana.

The life expectancy of New Yorkers is now two years more than the national average. But give them a day or two so they can figure out how to complain about it.

Syria's military has begun firing scud missiles at rebel forces. "Whoa! They should be firing 'pug' missiles instead," said Kelleen. "That way you just catch 'em and hug 'em."

The Drudge Report's headline for a review of "Django Unchained" simply read "N*gger" seven times. The blog apologized, explaining that it will look into switching to a more traditional, star-based rating system.

N.J. Sen. Robert Menendez reportedly had an unpaid intern who was an illegal immigrant and a registered sex offender. Menendez said he's alarmed by the news, as he never would've thought an unpaid intern could be an illegal immigrant.