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April 02, 2017
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Recap of S09E02 of Ru Paul's Drag Race

Okay, let’s get into it, babies. Last week, we were left cliffhung. A queen is rejoining our ranks. But who? Who was that shrouded purple figure sashay-ing back onto the runway? Luckily, we didn’t hafta wait long because second two it is revealed to be…

1. Cynthia Lee Fontaine Returns

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This makes sense. Cynthia’s got that blend of cancer + catch phrase that can make a Drag Race producer go cucu. She’s happy, she’s healthy, she’s hashtag saying cucu every fucking third word.

2. Hello hello hello!

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Lisa Kudrow’s a guest! This is a fab choice, she’ll have funny but kind critiques, Ru loves her, and–wait where the hell’d she go, she was only here like six seconds was she double parked or some shit?

3. Our First Group Challenge

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The queens are assigned a cheer challenge. And not in a season-three-do-a-cute-little-chant way. This is a no-joke-you-gotta-flip-and-twirl-and-be-thrown-into-the-air assignment and I’m all for it. I love this idea. I want to see more skilled trade based challenges. Maybe one where they have to install carpet on stairs? Rotate tires? Commercial fishing? Just spitballing here.

4. Alexis Plays Psychologist

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Group challenges are rife for drama and this is no exception. The girls are fighting over which adjectives they’ll portray in the cheer, so the stakes are HIGH. Jaymes wants floozy. But Alexis *also* wants floozy. So Alexis stares her down, stirs her tea: wouldn’t it be a better idea if Jaymes took…snoozy? Jaymes insists she’s a great fit for floozy because of her trademark high energy that we’ve definitely seen. Alexis relents. But then five minutes later, Jaymes decides of her own accord that she *does* want snoozy, thus giving Alexis the floozy descriptor she wanted all along. Which begs the question: is Alexis a Jaymes Mansfield Whisperer?

5. The Queens Learn To Cheer

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Teaching the girls their tumbling routines is Dom, a man whose body fits his shirts, which is something I aspire to. Dom is what the gay community calls ‘trade,’ meaning ‘boy you want to have sex with.’ The term is actually in reference to early mercantile systems, where money would be exchanged for goods or services and additionally there were boys you wanted to have sex with. The more you knooooow!

6. Speaking of: Valentina

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Our neophyte is an emerging star and/or getting a good edit. She goes full on The Secret in this challenge, projecting the success she hopes to achieve with this beauty queen Vaseline smile and it’s working. Valentina is rising in my ranks.

7. Kimora Leads A Roundtable On Gender Politics

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Kimora’s insistence on not wearing panties while cheerleading leads to one of the most archetypical Drag Race scenes:

INT. WORKROOM - DAY

DRAG QUEEN 1: I’m gonna do this crazy thing.
DRAG QUEEN 2: No, gurl, don’t do that, it’s crazy.
DRAG QUEEN 1: Why am I being *ATTACKED* for being a *WOMAN*
DRAG QUEEN 2: Real women don’t do that.
DRAG QUEEN 1: This one does!

And thus, a fight about bloomers amongst drag queens reminds us that GENDER is a CONSTRUCT!!!! *Clap Emoji* *Clap Emjoi* *Clap Emoji*!!!!!!!

8. Flying Drag Queens

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I think this is one of Drag Race’s more impressive challenges. These girls know how to cheer! Queens of all ages and sizes are throwing their bodies around with abandon and it’s only fucking week two. Trinity seems to have channeled her phobia of heights into that look of unshakable pageant queen joy that really does resemble fear in a way and I’m loving it. Also, we still have no proof she isn’t an Amy Sedaris character.

Now let’s get on to some of my favorite looks from our White Party Realness runway:

9. Shea Couleé

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I’m loving this look from Shea. The make-up is dramatic and the body suit is fierce. I give it a Coul-A-Plus.

10. Alexis Michelle

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Alexis really slays the make-up game. True story: I have a friend who had Alexis do her make-up for her wedding! On her most special of days, she said: ‘yes GAWD I *need* this drag queen to craft my look.’ How’s that for corroborating evidence of Alexis’ skill? Also, though, I could be lying to you. Am I a trusty narrator? (I am, it’s true, and the make-up looked very good). In conclusion: those nails!

11. Charlie Hides

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Listen, I know they put her in the bottom, but I loved this look. She’s serving full Snow Queen! This is some straight up White Witch from Narnia shit! Also, can we forgive a gal for not going pedal to me metal on the gym floor when you’re 50+ years old?

12. Eureka Looks Like A Gay Lumière

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See Subject Line.

13. This Fierce Drag Look

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It’s not really on theme, but I’m loving this busty and playful look from–oh wait, that’s the B-52s.

14. AND VALENTINA I MEAN MY GAWD

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This is a winning look for sure. Ten months! Ten months she’s been doing drag! It’s unfair, isn’t it? Alllllllmost makes me want to start now and see where I can get by next February, but honestly I’ll probably just watch Drag Race and peddle more mildly informed opinions instead. And she’s consistent with that toothy smile. Valentina’s edit/star continues to rise!

Now, about that lip sync. I would love to analyze some of the lyrical interpretations made by Ms. Kimora Black, as I think she may not know what several nouns mean:

15. Exhibit A

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For"I’m heading down the Atlanta highway"she, you know, checks a watch.

16. Exhibit B

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For “bang bang bang on the door” she holds a gun and does not use it to bang on anything.

17. Exhibits C and D

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For “tin roof, rusted” she lounges on the ground, but also so does Jaymes so maybe I’m the one who doesn’t know what nouns mean? This B+ lip sync ends and…

18. Fare Thee Well Jaymes, We Hardly Knew Ye

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tHonestly, I could have seen either queen sashay away, but Ru + Company decided Jaymes must go. Poor gal got a rough edit, so I’m happy she got a laugh on her exit line. It seemed like she was trying to serve us the comedy version of Anna Nicole Smith, but Anna Nicole Smith sorta was the comedy version of Anna Nicole Smith, so it’s a tough sell. She stumbles off into the sunset and our episode/this recap ends. Until next week!

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