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September 11, 2017
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Read this list if you want to live.

So, a robot army has taken up residency outside of your nice suburban home? When looking through your blinds and evaluating the situation, it’s natural to ask questions like, “Are we in danger?”, “Do the robots come in peace?”, “Why does my neighbor Jeff always stand in his backyard naked?“

Here are five ways to tell if the robot army outside your house is friendly or not.


Weaponry

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Granted these robots all bear sharp knives; at least they’re holstered in a friendly way. Just look at them with their cute circuits and exposed wires – they’re being pretty vulnerable (emotionally and physically) right now. Maybe those knives will be used to cut up some fine steaks at a BBQ they throw in your honor? Wouldn’t it be embarrassing to slice their heads off before they have the chance to treat you to a beautiful rendition of “for he’s a jolly good fellow?” Five points in the Friendly Bin!


Battle Formation

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So, the robots surrounded your house, raised the Jolly Roger, and began to chant your name like Tibetan monks? Awesome! Much like the crucifix that hangs above your bed, robots view the skull and crossbones with reverence – you’re a god in their eyes! Robots probably give each other gifts to celebrate your birthday and baptize their youth in oil that has been blessed in your name. I’m going to start calling you Vin Diesel, because that’s another Fast Five points in the friendship bucket baby!


Peace Offerings

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Whoa - the robot army sent an Ex Machina styled A.I. into your home?! Oh boy… this is great news! The robots probably downloaded all of your records and saw that your wife of eight years recently filed for divorce – this is there way of saying, “it’s time to move on, man.” An Ex Machina styled wife offering is the ultimate sign of unity. Five more friendship points have been awarded to your house!


Neighbors

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Naked Jeff was dragged out of his house and beaten to a pulp by the robots?! Good! That pervert was constantly exposing himself to everyone in the neighborhood - these robots freaking love you, bro! Toot Toot – all abroad the Friend-ship! Five more points are floating your way!


Overall Safety

ExMachinaStab.png

Oh, the Ex Machina killed you? Well, that’s five points in the unfriendly bin… which makes for a final score of 20 to 5 in favor of the robot army being friendly!

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