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April 17, 2015

The world's only remaining male northern white rhino comes out of the closet.


Hey, I’m Sudan. You may have heard about me in the news recently. I’m the only remaining male northern white rhino. Bummer, right? It gets worse. There are four female northern white rhinos left in the world, and only two (Fatu and Najin) at my conservancy in Kenya. Scientists and environmentalists are putting a lot of pressure on me to …you know. They poke me and prod me and measure my sperm count. They’ve done everything they can to get me to mate. And I’ve tried my best to go along with it, I honestly have. After all, they say I’m the subspecies’ last hope. But here’s the thing: I’m gay.

I’m a gay as the day is long and I can’t hide who I am anymore.

For years I lived in shame. Northern white rhinos are a traditional, socially conservative bunch. What would my parents think? What would my peers think? Heck, what would the world think when they learned I wasn’t the heterosexual horn-dog savior of rhino-kind they had hoped? But I’ve reached a point in my life where I just don’t care anymore. If you can’t accept me for who I am, then that’s your problem.

Also, basically all my friends, family, and loved ones are dead, so who even gives a fuck?

I came out to my gal pals Fatu and Najin a few weeks ago and they couldn’t have been more supportive. Ladies, you are my best friends. I’m eternally grateful for your friendship and strength. I’m so sorry that scientists forced me to have mechanical, passionless sex with you over the years. I’d say it would be a funny story to tell our children one day, but we both know that ain’t gonna happen.

My only regret is that I didn’t come out sooner. I would have loved to be a strong gay role model for young northern white rhinos. But, you know, they’re all dead now. Everyone’s dead.

It doesn’t get better.