Pittsburgh Steelers at Oakland Raiders: The Raiders will play without a quarterback until Lamarr Woodley knocks Carson Palmer out of the game. Steelers by 20.
Green Bay Packers at Seattle Seahawks: Mike McCarthy looks like the lovechild of Grimace and Mayor McCheese. Packers by 9.
St. Louis Rams at Chicago Bears: What’s the difference between Jay Cutler and a Black Widow? One tries to devour its own kind and the other is a spider. Rams by 8.
Philadelphia Eagles at Arizona Cardinals: I shared a kennel at the Washington Animal Rescue League with some of Mike Vick’s dogs. Cardinals by 456,222.
New England Patriots at Baltimore Ravens: I’m not allowed to pee on people, but if I could, both these teams would get a soaking. Ravens by 10.
Houston Texans at Denver Broncos: Foster: Texan for “you're about to get a whuppin." Texans by 12.
Atlanta Falcons at San Diego Chargers: I’m only sure of two things: 1) squirrels are the tastiest things ever, and 2) Norv Turner is an awful head coach, and I’m not sure about the squirrels. Falcons by 5.
Cincinnati Bengals at Washington Redskins: The only good cat is a dead cat. And the one's I chew on. That’s just how I roll. RG3PO and crew by 10.
Kansas City Chiefs at New Orleans Saints:Saints have better damage control than Mitt Romney. Saints by 20.
Jacksonville Jaguars at Indianapolis Colts: Name the two coaches. Don’t worry, I’ve got all week. Colts by 3.
San Francisco 49ers at Minnesota Vikings: The Vikings have a long and proud tradition of, well, nothing, actually. 49ers by 20.
New York Jets at Miami Dolphins: Dear Jets: how was last week’s humble pie? Get ready for another slice. Dolphins by 3.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Dallas Cowboys: Jerry Jones is so stupid, he thinks “asphalt” is a butt disease. Bucs by 10.
Buffalo Bills at Cleveland Browns: Do you remember when these teams mattered? Neither do I. Bills by 2.
New York Giants at Carolina Panthers: The Giants have great defensive ends. Taken together, they’re exactly half the size of Cam Newton. Giants by 10.
Detroit Lions at Tennessee Titans: Lions haven’t won anything since Webster’s Dad played for them. That’s sad. Titans by 8.
Alex Karras/Webster's Dad/Mongo
Is there anything he couldn't do?