Those Were Different Times Contest #58
Introducing: Mr. Don Ray Williams and his instructional album:
"I DARE YOU Don Ray Williams talks to teenagers"
And the coveted "Most Salesmanly Comment" award goes to:
"You may think I'm just an old guy. Well, I'm gonna give it to ya straight, attentive teen audience...you bet I'm an old guy. I've 'been around the block', as you teens like to say. I know 'the score'. You teen people might have your youth, but, truth is, you don't know anything. At all. Except smoking those clove cigarettes. That you know about, & you're pretty good at it. But aside from that, you don't know anything.
"I'd really like to come to that party you guys are having after the assembly here, & tell you all about all the stuff I know. You know, we could just, like, have the party n' rap about things. It would be so cool, really. I'll tell you what, I can really party, ha-ha! What do you say, let's 'blow this clam-bake', yeah, let's go!"
12. ...but they were too busy sexting to pay attention.
11.5. "...and to sum up, you'll work all your life, the government will take most of your money, you'll get old and then die...you're fucked...goodnight."
11. Don Ray's next album was titled 'Ok..Ok..you Made Your Point'.
10. I dare you to take a whiff of this egg I've just laid
9. TO EAT A BUG... ONE OF THOSE BIG PALMETTO ROACHES.
8.5. I dare you to tell your parents about my version of whack-a-mole.
8. ...to keep me off drugs.
7.5.Don later to become prisoner 3892756 for doing more than just talking with teenagers
7. I DARE YOU to sit on my lap and wriggle
6.5.Don Ray Williams Talks to Teenagers in hopes that their as yet incompletely developed critical faculties will prevent them from rejecting his nonsense outright the way anyone over the age of 19 does.
6. I dare you to be seen by your friends with this recording in your possession.
5.75. "I dare you to come up here & take a shot at me. C'mon, let's see what ya got! I'll shove a hula-hoop & some rock n' roll up your derrieres!"
5.5. The talk was so explosive, so mind-bogglingly intense, that an actual photograph of it would burn a hole in your mind, so an artist had to produce a rendering of it.
5. "I dare you to stop wilding & being gratuitously rebellious! C'mon ya pansies, betcha can't do it!!"
4.75"...to all lose your virginity. GO!!!"
4.5. "...all to stand up and take off your clothes. I swear I have so much self-control, it won't even phase me. Just let me set up my camera."
4. "...to tell your parents I ejaculated in my hand and flung it at you during this seminar. Do you realize how crazy that will sound?"
3. ...to sell all of your belongings and follow me to Utah.
2. ..to get pregnant and donate your placenta to a good cause: The Don Ray Williams is Gonna Eat Your Placenta Charity.
1.75. Side One:
You can't get pregnant if you do it standing up in the pool
Talking to "The Fuzz"
Are you Goofus or Gallant?
Heavy Petting Etiquette
Why you don't marry the boy in "Home Ec"
Why you don't marry the girl in Wood Shop
Is your best friend a communist?
Why Daddy drinks, and you will too
1.5. Well it used to be just Don Williams, but once the press gets a hold of "allegations" they go with all three names...in fairness to all of the "innocent" Don Williamses.
1. ...to tell the difference between my penis and vagina. Look closer! Any guesses? This is for extra credit...