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August 23, 2008


So on Wednesday of this week I received what can only be described as "the most comfortable pillow on the face of the earth as well as the face of the heavens or even the torso and back of the heavens, and you know what, any other place that might have pillows for that matter." It's a Tempur-Pedic which I think is Swedish for "fucking expensive." However, it has thus far been worth it.

How can I adequately explain this to you without getting too graphic? Let me put it this way: When resting my head on the pillow, it feels as though the back of my head is being gently fellated by angels. Too graphic? Okay, fine. Suffice it to say it feels like, whenever I'm sleeping on it, the pillow is making love to my head and face. I had a roommate in college who used to try to do that all the time, but I gotta say it was never half as comfortable as this pillow. You see what I'm saying?

Whatever crazy fucking NASA-approved material they put inside this magic bundle bends and molds and shapes to the size and weight of my head. It tends to my every need, much like an attentive lover. The only thing that would make my sleep situation better would be the worlds perfect blanket, which I imagine to be made up of some space age material that would give me an orgasm every time I rolled over in bed.

You know what? Come to think of it, I'd rather just have a person as a blanket. Someone could just lay on top of me and I'd call that good. However, prostitutes costing what they do these days, I'd settle for a free blanket of some sort. You know a good way to get your hands on a free blanket that I believe to be underutilized? Being a bystander at the scene of an accident. You always see it in movies and whatnot, but the people standing around after the accident (or some other traumatic event) has taken place always seem to have these burly wool blankets. I never really understood it. First of all, why do they do that? Does being witness at the scene of a crime affect your body temperature that much? And if so, why not give out mittens and hats as well. Also, depending on the time of year, are the free items adapted to suit the needs of the bystanders? Like if it were really hot out, would you get some ice cold lemonade and a hand held mini fan you could try to stick your tongue into (you know, just to see if it hurts)?

You see people, these are the questions that keep me up at night. And by 'these' I mean 'this.' And by 'are' I mean 'is.' And by 'questions' I mean 'question.' And by 'keep' I mean 'keeps.' And by 'me' I mean 'a friend of mine.'

Anyway, my new pillow is awesome.