Full Credits

Stats & Data

January 05, 2009


I grew up in Los Angeles. Whenever I tell someone this, they seem genuinely shocked. “That’s crazy!” “So rare!” “I didn’t know anyone was actually FROM here. Amazing!”  No, it’s not. A lot of people are from here. Relax. Anyway, I didn’t grow up in the entertainment industry, (“How could you avoid it?! LOL” “Because LA is one of the biggest cities in the world.”) I didn’t know any famous people, nor had I ever really seen any, so when I had my first close encounter with a celebrity, I was very excited. My father decided at 38 that he would do what any responsible family man would do- he decided to become an actor. One of the women in his class was cast as the lead in a spin off of a very popular television show. Guess who was invited to view a taping of said popular show? (Me). I was beside myself. My goal was to meet the very handsome star of this show. I will not reveal his identity, so I will just call him Will Ferrell.

The night before the taping, I couldn’t sleep. How could I? I was going to meet Will Fucking Ferrell. Finally, it happened. I was at the taping. I had never seen anything like it. The sets! The lights! All very exciting. They did cast introductions and I nearly passed out. About half way through the show the announcer came on and said, “Ladies and gentlemen! Will Ferrell!” Then Will came up to the railing. He was even more handsome in person. (I’m listening to my ipod on shuffle and Walk Like an Egyptian is on and I love the way Suzanna Hoffs says the word cops. I wonder if I say any words in an especially adorable way. Probably not) Here was my chance. I walked over to the railing and pushed my way through middle-aged women. I was right in front of him. What now? Do I say something? Do I ask him to sign something? Shit, I don’t have a pen or anything to write on. What do I do? I need to do SOMETHING. So I did the only thing I could think to do. I hugged him. It felt so good. Then it all came crashing down. Will Ferrell pried my arms off, pushed me away and said, “What the fuck are you doing kid?” WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WILL FERRELL? Crushing a 10 year old’s soul, that’s what you’re doing. I really was crushed. Luckily, neither of my parents had seen what went down. I didn’t want to talk about it. Ever. I wanted to forget that I had ever even heard of Will Ferrell. I hadn’t been that upset since being dragged behind that VW bug in front of my whole class (don’t ask).

After many years, I got over the pain of this incident and was able to see the whole thing from Will Ferrell’s perspective. Maybe he was having a bad night, maybe he was a pedophile and my advances were bringing up “those” feelings. Who knows? The point is, you can’t judge someone from one interaction. Everyone deserves a second chance. A lot of us make snap judgments, and that’s just not fair. You never know what’s going on with another person and you can’t really personalize anything that happens ever (unless you really fuck up, then you deserve what you get).

You probably think the story is over. It is not. About 5 years ago I played in a “celebrity” baseball game (the word celebrity was used very loosely) and who was pitching for the other team? Will Ferrell. They didn’t usually let girls bat, but someone (God) decided to throw me up there. Payback time. I could take away all that pain with one swing of the bat. Because, honestly, what would piss off Will Ferrell more than a girl getting a hit off him? So up to the plate I went. First pitch. You call that a pitch, Will Ferrell? Please. Ball. Next pitch. I swing and miss. Next pitch, I swing, I make contact, it goes high and far, but foul. I can see Will Ferrell get agitated that I hit the ball as hard as I did, even though it was foul. Next pitch hits me in the elbow. Hard. Now, maybe I’m crazy, but if I physically (or emotionally) harm someone, my first thought is to say I’m sorry then make sure they are okay. Apparently Will Ferrell and I are different. Will Ferrell charges, and I do mean charges, off the mound and screams at me that I am not allowed to take first base. Correct me if I’m wrong, but if the pitcher hits the batter with the ball, doesn’t he or she get to take 1st base? Don’t answer that. I already know. The answer is YES. But apparently Will Ferrell thinks it’s okay to, not only hit batters, but also scream in their faces without fear of punishment. I got back in the batter’s box, my elbow throbbing. I wanted so badly to hit a homerun but I had to get out of there. I lazily swung at the next pitch and struck out. I bet you thought the ending of that was going to be far more climactic. Sorry. The point is a simple one- FUCK YOU WILL FERRELL. And don’t hug strangers, especially if you see them on TV every week, because they will probably destroy the illusion you have of them, WILL FERRELL. (There was just a minor earthquake and my dog didn’t move. Aren’t animals supposed to warn you about that kind of thing? Thanks a lot Henry. I’m changing your name to Will Ferrell because you are a huge let down) I don’t know. Maybe its good not to expect people to be or do things that you want them to. Maybe if you just let people be what they are, it’ll save you and them a lot of grief. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t expect things out of your loved ones, just don’t expect anything from Will Ferrell. That guy is a monster.