Hello. How are you? Good? Glad to hear it. Me? Oh, I’m okay. All my pants are fitting a little snug, but it’s nothing a little cardio cant take care of. Lucky for me, this is prime resolution time, so I will be hitting the gym hard for about a week and a half. That should take care of it. Last year, I really went for the whole New Year’s Resolution thing. I kept thinking, “2008 is MY year! Great in ’08!” Was ’08 “great”? Not so much. It was good. I’ve had better. But maybe that’s my own fault. I built it up. There was no way it could live up to the expectations I placed on it. I’m sorry ’08. I know you tried so hard, but let’s be honest- we both knew that you were never going to be what I wanted you to be. This year I’m going for “Fine in ‘09”. This way, no one gets hurt. If I am asked, “How was your year?”, I can shrug my shoulders and say “Fine.”, without either of us feeling that all too familiar rush of shame and disappointment. Anyway, one of my resolutions is to try new things. Like many of the other guest bloggers on this site, I have never blogged. Blog. Such an ugly word. It doesn’t sound like something anyone would ever want to do. Blog. Yuck. But I am. That’s the point. I’ve read a lot of blogs (?) on this site and they have really made me laugh. And while I do not appreciate the ultimatum given by this web site’s name, I am willing to give it a try.
When funnyordie approached me (and by approached, I mean I drunkenly asked if I could be the guest blogger. If you put people on the spot, you will most likely get what you want. People hate being uncomfortable and they will agree to most things if it means ending an awkward encounter. Just some words of wisdom. You’re welcome), my first thought was, “Me? Blog? What ever would I blog about?” I didn’t (did) want to. Too much pressure. The people that visit this site, have refined senses of humor, they know comedy*. I do not. I am not funny, (at least that’s what I’ve been told for my entire career) How am I going to do this? Write 5 “blogs” that have to be at least mildly amusing? Me? No way. Not gonna happen. But then I started thinking (drinking) and I thought, Why not? I can do this! It’s going to be great (fine)! I had that feeling that I get when I’m at karaoke and I tell everyone that there’s no way I’m going to sing, but I’m secretly hoping that someone will pull me on stage to do a duet of “I Got You Babe” with them. So, I’m doing this! It’s going to be great! It already is! You’re reading this! You’re not stopping. I mean, if you’ve come this far, you’re not going to stop now. Right? Hello?...Are you there? Shit.
*Most of you do. Some of you should start a new web site called Funnyorhigh so people can distinguish whether a video actually is funny or if you were just really high when you watched it.