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Feel like I’ve seen this image 1,000,000 times

CITY: DALLAS, TX
LOCATION: AMERICAN AIRLINES ARENA
GATE: $45,396,432

Not a hoax, not an imaginary story…WWE is back with “Great Balls of Fire.”

Nobody sounds tough saying the name of this event. Go ahead Braun, try it:

See?

Regardless, here we are with a loaded card ready to prove that violence is always the answer.

Let’s get Balled.


1) Seth Freakin’ Rollins vs. Bray Freakin’ Wyatt

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Pardon me, which way to the ring?

Bray Wyatt and Seth Rollins are fighting because Bray doesn’t care for Seth’s language. Everything is Freaking this and Freaking that. If anyone’s gonna be a freak, it’s gonna be Bray.

Bray does his upside down bendy corner thing which plays “mind games” with Seth. Is the game that he doesn’t think a larger man can bend like this?

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Hey ma look what I can do!

The action spills outside as Bray assaults Seth and after some back and forth, delivers a huge superplex that almost breaks Seth Rollins’ Freakin’ leg again. He takes Rollins to the apron and slammed Rollins’ head like he was dunking on a toddler’s basketball hoop.

Rollins gets back into it with our FIRST SUICIDE DIVE OF THE NIGHT. He is wrestling like a bird, climbing up on the ropes, dive attacking Bray and his head of worms.

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Please let me touch your dreadlocks please please please!!!

The Birdman climbs to his perch again but Bray catches him and shoulder breaks Seth then delivers my favorite move - the DIRTBAG SLAM.

Wyatt makes the mistake of stopping to remind Dallas that he is a God, allowing Rollins to get up and claw at his eyes.

Wyatt surprises Rollins with a Sister Abigail from OUTTA NOWHERE MAGGLE for the 1-2-Freakin’-3.

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The time between PPV victories for me was this long

2) You Thirsty, Vince?

The second thing on the PPV is an ad for the next one:

3) Enzo Amore vs. Big Cass

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Something Something Metaphor

For weeks someone was beating up Enzo Amore because he’s an asshole. It turns out it was Big Cass all along. Cass might have gone about this wrong but he’s right - Enzo ran his mouth and got Big Cass into fights all the time. This is the definition of a toxic relationship. Yet Enzo is the face?

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No one ever asks how *I’m* doin’!

Enzo drops one of his best promos before the match and Cass debuts some new heavy rock music to go with a slower power style in the ring.

‘Zo flops around like a fish for Cass until the Big Man throws his fish back to sea. Tonight’s matches have a strong nature theme so far.

Did you hear? Cass dumped Enzo!

Enzo beats the 10 count by a bleach blonde hair, forcing Big Cass to boot him in the skull and pin him.

Once again Enzo forces Big Cass to get violent. He showed Enzo mercy and Enzo spit at his generosity. Good job, Cass. You’ll find better friends that appreciate you.

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Enzo is helped to the back by his new friends, The Nerd Herd.

4) 30 Minute Iron Man Raw Tag Team Championship Match: The Hardy Boyz vs. Cesaro & Sheamus ©

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Who'z ready to use Z’s in place of S’s???

Last month at Extreme Rules Cesaro and Sheamus escaped the cage with the Hardys'z tag team beltz. The Boyz need those belts to hold up their baggy pantz. Now the teams face off for 30 minutes - the team with the most pinfalls in that time wins the match.

Sheamus kicks things off by kicking off Matt Hardy'z head. A quick 1-2-3 and the champs are up 1-0. The Daniel Bryan Strategy!

Matt Hardy gains the offense and tags in Jeff who immediately loses the advantage again. Great job, dummy. All that costs his family another pinfall as the champs go up 2-0.

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The team that yells together sells together.

Matt regains the upper hand no thanks to Jeff. The Hardyz single out Cesaro and feed him a buffet of their Signature Movez - Poetry in Motion, Side Effect, and the always devastating Twist of Fate, and we’re at 2-1.

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Booker reminds us that Jeff used to weigh less when he jumped off his brother 15 years ago. Rude!

Matt, the legal man, tries to get back in the ring but Cesaro introduces him to the ring post, knocking Matt silly. The champs go up 3-1 as the elder Hardy is counted out. Matt has a history of mental illness, people, this isn’t right!

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Hold still, Matt, there’s a clock on your crotch.

Sheamus slows down the violence with 10 minutes left as the European Wrecking Crew try to grind out the clock.

The Hardys get a pin back to close the gap. With 4 minutes left Matt takes down Sheamus with a moonsault and Cesaro doesn’t stop the pin attempt in time. The ref waves it off and the fans chant “Ref you suck!” The ref cries a single tear.

Matt makes up for it by hitting a top rope Twist of Fate on the Celtic Warrior and evens up the score at 3-3.

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First one to get to land wins a new pair of baggy pantz!

At the finish The Hardys hit a double top rope dive on Sheamus, busting open Matt. Jeff hits a Swanton…but Cesaro sneaks in the ring and pins Jeff! ALWAYS KNOW WHO IS THE LEGAL MAN.

Cesaro tries to bail but Jeff delivers a Twist of Fate…and only gets a two count as the clock expires.

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Time: the Hardy Boyz'z greatest enemy.

What a match and what a finish. The Hardyz have been outsmarted twice, leaving fans of the boyz heartBROKEN. Cesaro has now won the tag titles with almost everyone on the roster at this point.

5) Still Champs?

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Just some good ol’ boys, never meanin’ no harm…

Still champs.

6) Women’s Championship Match - Sasha Banks vs. Alexa Bliss ©

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What’s that, title belt? You like me more than Sasha?

Nobody in the women’s division likes Alexa Bliss but Sasha likes her the least. She proved it by winning a gauntlet match for this title shot.

Sasha gets the early advantage and pulls Alexa’s elbow out of place!

Tricks!

JK Alexa is double jointed and suckers in the Boss. Is there anything Alexa can’t do? The women in WWE are mad jealous.

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Does it hurt when I do this?

Bliss get the advantage with a beatdown on Banks’ famous glass back but can only get a two count because the ref can’t count fast enough. Bliss continues to beat the spray tan off Sasha until Banks hits a turnbuckle suplex and takes control. The champ sneaks in a sunset flip powerbomb but can still only get a two count and throws a fit.

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Whoa, you look even smaller from down here!

Bliss goes up top but Sasha counters it into a Bank Statement and Dallas pops hard. Alexa reaches the ropes to break up the submission and bails to the outside. Sasha slides into the ring to beat the ten count and Bliss decides it’s more comfortable on the floor, letting the referee count to ten for the count out loss to retain the title.

7) Table For One

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Never do pilates on a table; announce, dinner or otherwise.

Banks, proving that she’s a sore winner, follows Bliss up the ramp and attacks. Bliss has none of it and sets up the Boss to go through the American announce table. Sasha shakes her off and hits a double knee on the champ, driving her into the concrete.

Imagine if the Penguins won the Stanley Cup then beat the shit out of the Nashville Predators with the cup. That’s the kind of disrespectful attitude we just witnessed here. I hope Angle fines the sunglasses off her face.

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DISRESPECTFUL.

8) Still Champ?

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What do you think, dumbass?

Still champ.

9) Intercontinental Title Match - Dean Ambrose vs. The Miz ©

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No cavities!

Dean Ambrose is a crazy person makes poor choices in friends - Seth Rollins, James Ellsworth, LeVar Ball. The Miz is a man with an entourage named after him. These two have traded IC title wins throughout 2017 and halfway into the year it’s still entertaining. Will Ambrose fall to the numbers game tonight? Is he wearing jeggings? The answer to both is “probably.”

Dean starts the match by going right after Ben Roethlisberger Curtis Axel on the outside even though The Miz is his opponent. ALWAYS KNOW WHO IS THE LEGAL MAN.

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“Miz can you tell me if I stepped in poop?”

Lots of back and forth action and Ambrose busts his mouth open, the third person to accidentally bleed tonight (Alexa Bliss was opened up when Banks performed her heinous criminal act earlier).

Ambrose goes for his fulcrum clothesline but Dallas and and Axel pull him out of the ring leading to a chaotic brawl. When the opponents get back between the ropes Dean hits Miz with a Dirty Deeds DDT - a DDDDT? It would be three but Maryse puts Miz’s foot on the ropes when the ref isn’t looking, fulfilling her wedding vows. Dallas - Texas, not Bo - showers the ring with more “Ref you suck!” chants.

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Bo: “What comes after two, ref? I haven’t won in months I need to know!”

Eventually Ambrose’s attention is divided by too many people pulling for The Miz to win as Bo Dallas clubs him across the back of the head, leading to a Skull Crushing Finale and a win for the Hollywood Elite.

Ambrose has now lost the last several showdowns. These two can either continue to entertain together through SummerSlam or split into new feuds. I’m okay with either option as long as it doesn’t involve LeVar Ball.

Never forget.

10) Still Champ?

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“Hey Miz, remember when I was the IC champ?” “No, Axel. shut up.”

Still champ.

11) Ambulance Match - Braun Strowman vs. Roman Reigns

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Uh-doyyyyy

The Internet was so mad that Roman Reigns kept winning matches that it’s collective rage manifested itself into a raging monster of destruction called Braun Strowman. Even an injury couldn’t keep him from coming back to fulfill his destiny. The Internet said that Apollo Crews has been boring and look what he did to Crews:

BRAUN SEND MEAL BACK TO KITCHEN!

In an Ambulance Match, the goal is to put your opponent in an ambulance shut the door.

Strowman just manhandles Reigns, tossing him and slamming him over and over with the steel steps. For the first time I think it’s a good idea Reigns still wears a SWAT vest to the ring.

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Finders keepers

Strowman throws Reigns over his shoulder and starts towards the ambulance but Reigns escape and runs back to the ring. Braun is full of rages and walks into a Samoan Drop. Reigns then targets Strowman’s surgically repaired elbow with a chair. Strowman gets to his feet and Reigns swings for the fences. Strowman…doesn’t move.

Braun is terrifying. Strowman beats the crap out of Reigns and takes him up the ramp to the American announce table. Reigns rallies but Strowman remembers he can’t feel pain and throws Roman into (the side of) the ambulance.

You have to throw him IN the ambulance, not IN TO the ambulance

Strowman drags The Big Dog to the doors and Roman casts Second Wind, giving him new life and Superman Punches Braun halfway into the ambulance. A couple Regular Man Punches followed by a second Superman Punch sends Braun reeling into the ambulance again…where he starts using the ambulance equipment to beat the hell out of Reigns. Braun throws him back on to the stage and then Roman throws Braun THROUGH THE SET.

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Due to global warming Brauns are now unsure of when to hibernate.

Dallas has been heated all night and they are at attention as the two fight their way back to the ambulance.

Roman takes another piece of the set and smashes Strowman again. He goes for a spear and MISSES!

Strowman shuts the door behind him and wins the match.

12) Grand Theft Auto

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Press R3 to activate ambulance missions.

Reigns, yet ANOTHER poor winner, throws Braun into the ambulance and drives it to the back, then WRECKS IT INTO AN EQUIPMENT TRUCK.

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Did you guys say there’s TREASURE inside?

Kurt Angle appears, realizing he sanctioned an attempted homicide.

13) Curt Hawkins vs. Heath Slater

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Hey get these wrestlers outta here there’s a backstage show going on!

We have what looks like a surprise match as Hawkins and Slater come out looking like they were about to head to the hotel bar early before being called to the ring. Hawkins is the only WWE wrestler that’s allowed to wear John Cena Orange™.

Ambulance sirens wail through the arena as the crowd ignores the match and watches the backstage footage of Dallas fire trucks arriving to get Braun out of the ambulance.

14) Jaws of Life

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Please be treasure, please be treasure…

The Dallas Fire Department uses the jaws of life to open up the ambulance door.

They finally get inside and try to load Strowman on to a gurney. He shrugs them all off and crawls out under his own power, covered in blood and filled with the living rage of the Internet.

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“I’m not finished with you” is the new “Hulk smash”

He goes all “LEAVE HULK ALONE” and sulks off into the desert.

The worst part? What a mess Roman made and then left. He’s like a roommate that uses your pots and pans, doesn’t clean them, then disappears for weeks. Where did he go anyhow? The bathroom?

Oh Heath Slater won. Somehow? Who knows, it happened off camera.

15) Universal Championship Match - Samoa Joe vs. Brock Lesnar ©

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Joe tries to stop Brock from tearing the title in half.

Joe getting his hands on Lesnar over and over again this last month showed people unfamiliar with him why he belongs in this match. Brock’s been getting paid millions to tap dance back and forth a couple times a month for too long. Dallas is hot; they want to see more violence tonight - an attempted murder wasn’t enough! Lots of “Joe” chants from the crowd. Joe obliges, attacking Lesnar during his custom intro.

then throwing him THROUGH AN ANNOUNCE TABLE.

Lesnar stumbles back to the ring as the crowd chants “Joe’s gonna kill you.” Then the bell rings and the match begins.

Joe continues his assault and despite some brief resistance it’s all Samoan flavored destruction.

He attempts a Cocaine Clutch but Lesnar reverses into a bunch of German suplexes. Joe has also been bored by the German Suplex Party since 2014 and kicks the champ in the dick while the ref isn’t looking.

Some big hoss-on-hoss action and Samoa Joe locks in the Coquina Clutch, activating Lesnar’s color-changing action feature.

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Hrrrglgrrrrglgrrrrgl!!!

On the verge of passing out, Lesnar slips out and reverses into an F5, putting down Joe so he may return to his tree fort in Minnesota.

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Doc I have this weird growth on my neck

16) Still Champ?

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“9:58…we almost went over my contractual time limit of 10 minute matches!”

Still champ.


(still images courtesy WWE.com)

A bummer finish to what was a pretty awesome show. Lots of wild spots, some strong wrestling, and a hot crowd helped overcome the name of the show.

This could have been an in-between show but WWE went big, advancing storylines and leaving others in a place where they could end or continue to heighten. RAW now has six weeks to build to SummerSlam in Brooklyn and a roster full of talent stepping up.

Smackdown returns in two weeks with Battleground, where Randy Orton fights Jinder Mahal in a Punjabi Prison Match, which looks like a cage from the original Planet of the Apes.

See you then.

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