MICHAEL SORRENTINO, ONE OF THE MOST ICONOCLASTIC FIGURES OF OUR TIME, WILL SOON RELEASE A GRIPPING, TELL-ALL MEMOIR ABOUT HIS LIFE THAT IS SURE TO GRIP YOU AND TELL ALL.
“TEARS OF A GUIDO: THE MICHAEL SORRENTINO STORY” IS SET TO PROVIDE SOME VALUABLE INSIGHT AND UNFORGETTABLE PERSONAL ANECDOTES ABOUT ONE OF THE WORLD’S MOST FAMOUS AND INFLUENTIAL MEN. “TEARS OF A GUIDO” IS SORRENTINO’S LIFE IN HIS OWN WORDS, NOT THOSE OF A GHOST WRITER, AS A GHOST WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO PICK UP A PEN. FOLLOW THE SITUATION’S JOURNEY FROM HIS DIFFICULT UPBRINGING...
“For many years before landing my role on “Jersey Shore”, I would work up the courage each night to travel to the Jersey Shore and get inebriated at a night club. By day I was barely making ends meet as an underwear model. The thousands of dollars I was making for not wearing that much clothing seem paltry in comparison to the millions I am worth today. It took many years and many sleepless nights of furiously making out and grinding hard with strangers to get where I am today. I consider myself extra fortunate that one night an executive from MTV spotted our group friends and decided this would make a good television program. Had he not, I would probably still be making out and grinding with strangers for far less money, while receiving a steady yet significantly smaller pay check as an underwear model, and getting my spray tans done at a public place instead of my private spray-tan room in my mansion.”
...TO HIS CHOOSING OF A NICKNAME...
“I toyed with many nicknames before landing on “The Situation”. Some, but not all, include The Ab-Man, The Ab-ominable Snowman, Ab-ba, Ab Hunter * , Downton Ab-bey, The Italian Jobs, Ab-raham Lincoln, Barack Ab-ama, Sixpack Obama, Ab’em and Eve, and Michael J. Rocks. But “The Situation” came to me in one glorious moment of revelation. It’s almost ironic because I don’t remember her name, but one night I found myself hooking up with the seventh Guidette of the evening when it occurred to me that I wasn’t any situation. I wasn’t just “A” situation. A strobe light hit my face and her breasts, almost God-like, when I realized that I was “THE” situation. The rest is history as you know, my path forever illuminated by that flashing light and the ecstasy I took in the bathroom five minutes prior.”
* A play on the name of actor Tab Hunter.
...TO HIS COMPLEX, INTRICATE RELATIONSHIP WITH CO-STAR NICOLE “SNOOKI” POLIZZI ...
“2012 was a big year for my friend Snooki, a woman of great grace for whom I had secretly harbored feelings for for many years. First, it was announced that she was pregnant, and to bear a child by year’s end. I was happy about this news because it meant that when engaging in emotion-free sexual intercourse with her I would no longer have to wear a condom, because science dictates that a woman cannot get pregnant twice. But then the news followed that she was to marry. My love, engaged to another man. It broke my heart. This meant that instead of hooking up regularly in the public eye, and indeed often in public places, she and I were going to have to find more secret ways to engage in ravenous coital activity without her husband knowing. It would require extra careful timing and planning. But she was always worth the trouble.”
SORRENTINO DISCUSSES MUCH MORE, INCLUDING THE HURDLES HE WAS FORCED TO JUMP EVEN AFTER FINDING HIS FAME ...
“You may recall in 2011 I was part of the Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump. Despite the two whole minutes of forethought I put into my material, none of my jibes at Mr. Trump really landed and I ended up being the biggest joke of the night. I was surprised how ridiculously hostile everyone was towards me that evening, and I was so truly upset by the whole ordeal I spent my entire $14 million appearance fee on lap dances and my favorite drink, absinthe. Perhaps some of my self-destructive quality, bad judgement, and blatant disregard of how things work draws from the fact I never really knew my father. He was largely absent when I was growing up. Hey. Did someone just say “abs”?
FEATURING EXCLUSIVE MATERIAL ABOUT HIS DECISION TO COMMIT TO A REHAB CENTER THAT SORRENTINO HAS NEVER BEFORE DISCUSSED WITH ANYONE...
“My life had spiralled out of control – I had no idea that starring on a reality show that promotes binge drinking and debauchery and heavily implied narcotic use would ever lead to it actually affecting my reality. My life had become nothing more than a series of episodes. And in each, I would binge drink, engage in regular debauchery, and use all sorts of drugs. Which I will admit was pretty awesome, but the day soon came when I decided to do the responsible thing and check myself into a rehabilitation centre. You see, the Puerto Rican woman who I pay to clean my mansion resigned in protest after one too many nights of scrubbing vomit off of my sheets. For her sake, and mine, I checked into a clinic where I would not have to pay any extra fees to get my vomit cleaned off of my personal property. The money I do not spend on paying for my own food and water at the center will go towards me hiring a new Puerto Rican maid when I am ready.”
EVER THE OPTIMIST, SORRENTINO EVEN MAKES A FEW BOLD PREDICTIONS REGARDING HIS FUTURE...
“There is not yet a Nobel Prize in the category of “smooshing”, but when there is one, I will win it.”
FEATURING OVER 64 FULL-COLOR PAGES OF SORRENTINO’S CHEST AND HIM “SMOOSHING” WITH FACELESS STRANGERS, “TEARS OF A GUIDO” IS ONE MEMOIR YOU WON’T WANT TO MISS. COMING SOON TO A BARNES AND NOBLE NEAR YOU, THIS 650-PAGE MASTERPIECE MAKES AN EXCELLENT DRINK COASTER OR LAST-DITCH WEAPON IN A FIGHT... CHECK YOUR PAPER FOR LOCAL TIT-SIGNINGS.
Up next: Product Review: Cell Phones
Added about 1 year ago
34 funny votes
7 die votes
Description: A sneak peek at the highly anticipated memoir of Michael "The Situation" Sorrentino, "Tears of a Guido". Coming soon to a bookstore near year. Bookstores are those stores with those weird hard things full of paper.