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June 11, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Spain has agreed to accept a $125 billion bailout. “You guys know how to make cars, right?” asked Obama.

Former Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak is reportedly in critical condition. In that he feels it’s critical he dies before going to prison.

Mitt Romney’s campaign has a new Spanish slogan: “Junto con Romney.” Roughly translated it means, “Turn Yourself in With Romney.”

A woman recovered her engagement ring thanks in part to the lost-and-found page on Craigslist. And she only had to see 5 pictures of strangers’ penises.

A recently recovered report from a 1910 expedition contains notes about how male penguins engaged in homosexual behavior and tried to mate with deceased female penguins. One penguin in particular.

One author is offering readers a chance to win a DeLorean if they find clues hidden in his book and beat a videogame on a hidden website. In addition to winning the car, contestants also have a chance at keeping their virginity for 11 more years.

Actor Matthew McConaughey got married on Saturday. The ceremony was beautiful but the reception was just alright, alright, alright.

Formerly undefeated boxer Manny Pacquiao lost his welterweight title to Timothy Bradley in a controversial ruling. However, Pacquiao admitted he may not have imagined his opponent being gay enough.

A lunch with Warren Buffett was auctioned off for $3,456,789. In related news, lunch with his secretary went for $24.50.

Upon winning the French Open, Maria Sharapova became the 10th woman to achieve a Grand Slam. At Denny’s.