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February 13, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at www.brianlisi.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

In his State of the Union address, President Obama said, “It is our generation’s task, then, to reignite the true engine of America’s economic growth – a rising, thriving middle class.” Then he said, “Failing that, it is our generation’s task to ignite the middle class.”

The Senate passed the Violence Against Women Act, though 22 senators voted against it. Those senators objecting mostly to the lack of a “but what if she’s being, like, ya know, a total bitch?” clause.

Meanwhile, the Senate Armed Services Committee voted 14 to 11 in favor of Chuck Hagel becoming the next secretary of defense. Hagel’s confirmation will move on to the full Senate so everyone will have an opportunity to accuse him of being anti-Semitic.

Hurricane Sandy has been named the second most expensive hurricane in U.S. history. Particularly expensive was developing the fake new term “superstorm.”

Wrestling has been dropped from the 2020 Olympics. “Ohhhhhhh yea,” said fans of wakeboarding.

North Korea conducted its third nuclear test this week. Unlike a measurement of Kim Jong-un’s BMI, it went pretty well.

The nuclear test drew condemnation from nations around the world, even China. And keep in mind: China kills babies.

The U.S. Treasury announced its first January budget surplus in five years. At which point, giant banks began flailing their arms and shouting, “Oh no! I’m failing!” in between gasps.

Cable company Comcast will be taking full control of NBC. Which is about the same as saying you’re the sole owner of a box of Zunes.

Obama is expected to announce that 34,000 troops stationed in Afghanistan will be home in a year. In related news, Obama said “congratulations” to 34,000 troops on becoming official citizens of Afghanistan.

Pope Benedict reportedly underwent secret heart surgery three months ago. Apparently his heart was not as Hitler Youthful as it was once was.

Teaming up with American Express, Twitter users will soon be able to make purchases using a hashtag. Not to be outdone, Mastercard is teaming up with MySpace to allow users to purchase Zunes.