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Published March 01, 2013

 

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People of Groupon,

After four and a half amazing years as the CEO of Groupon, I’ve decided to step down and spend more time with my family. Just kidding – I was fired. If you’re surprised, then you must have the foresight of Pimple when, without giving the other ‘Toads the heads up, he made Princess Angelica go out for a ride in the Toadster only to be swallowed by the Dark Queen’s Gargantua, which, as we all know, led them directly to Ragnarok—NOT a place you want to be, my friends.

As CEO of Groupon, I was your Zitz. Your ringleader. A tactical genius who, depending on the version of Battletoads, wasn’t always a playable character. But I was also your Rash—your class clown that loved to show off, crack jokes and wear spiked kneepads. Perhaps it was the Rash in me that believed that if I could just inspire my struggling Second City ‘Toad minions to deliver consistently witty write-ups by paying you just enough to survive and enforcing career-crippling non-compete agreements so you wouldn’t quit, I would lead Groupon to wild success. I was mistaken.

For those who are concerned about me, please don’t be. Under my stewardship, I led us all the way to the Terra Tubes on my first game without dying! Now, on the way to the Terra Tubes, did our stock plummet, our desire for profit override our concern for the client, our customer base grow disenchanted, our public image implode at warp speed, and our entire business model reveal itself do be deeply and inherently flawed? Perhaps. In fact, yes—definitely yes to all of those things. But, again, getting to Terra Tubes on the first try... pretty good.

If there’s one piece of wisdom that this simple pilgrim can impart upon you, it is this: hold Down+A+B while pressing the start button during the title screen. This will give you five lives instead of three.

Battle on,

Andrew

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