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Published November 06, 2011 More Info »
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Published November 06, 2011

I’m Psychic! I Have a Degree!

I am a psychic. Need proof? Here’s my degree from the Psychic School of Being Psychic.

See that degree. Does it convince you? Good. Most psychics don’t even have a degree. They just tell you they are psychic and you’ll actually believe them without proper documentation. And yes, my degree in “whorascopez” is totally legitimate documentation that I indeed possess psychic powers.

Because I am a benevolent psychic (unlike that lying bitch Miss Cleo, she wasn’t even born in Jamaica!) I won’t even charge for my services. Unlike those lame-ass psychics that release daily horoscopes, I’m going to release a yearly one. How can a yearly prediction apply to every single person born in a monthly period? I don’t know. My psychic-ology 101 professor sucked. I think it has something to do with stars and making really vague predictions.

Here are my predictions! Be sure to heed them. These things could possibly happen to you!

Aries: 3/21-4/19

The one night this year that you think drinking a lot of alcohol is a great idea, it isn’t. Drinking is fun, getting charged for indecent exposure isn’t. Sipping on alcohol equates to sipping on sadness for you.

Taurus: 4/20-5/20

Despite the friendly appearance of the candy van you see this year, avoid it. The only candy you’ll be getting from that van is chloroform.

Gemini: 5/21-6/20

Hey Gemini women, don’t be afraid by that creepy guy that’s hitting on you. That’s just me!

Cancer: 6/21-7/22

You’ll try out for the cast of Jersey Shore. Unfortunately for you, you actually tried out for “Jersey Whore.” Fortunately for the Internet, the video of your audition leaked. Sorry!

Leo: 7/23-8/22

You’ll be getting an e-mail from a deposed prince of Nigeria. Trust him! The treasure is yours!

Virgo: 8/23-9/22

The first time you find yellow snow, eat it! Someone just spilled lemonade on the ground!

Libra: 9/23-10/22

Yes, you’ll like a new Justin Bieber song this year. Don’t cry. Don’t be mad at me either, I’m just the messenger.

Scorpio: 10/23-11/21

You will find the girl of your dreams! Unfortunately, she is just an anime character. Damn, maybe next year.

Sagittarius: 11/22-12/21

This year, people will be horrified by your Halloween costume. They’ll be shocked to find out that you didn’t actually dress up.

Capricorn: 12/22-1/19

Facebook is going to change again! You’ll be really upset. Zuckerberg will drink your tears. Your tears nourish him.

Aquarius: 1/20-2/18

Your friend will say a “your mom” joke to you; he wasn’t joking though. Enjoy your new stepdad!

Pisces: 2/19-3/20

You will be excited to discover why kids enjoy the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. The CIA will try to assassinate you. No one is allowed to live with that knowledge.

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