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March 16, 2016
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A message from Norovirus

Sup.

Call me Noro. I’m just a chill virus who loves burritos.

You know what’s sick? A bunch of folks who ate at Chipotle.

You know what else is sick? My life, brah.

Picture this: a few months ago, I was a nobody, or a no-whatever’s the proper scientific term for this mass of nucleic acid wrapped in a protein layer I’m working with. (But let’s leave the scientific jargon to the scientists. I’m def not gonna let it harsh my mellow.) Today, I’m a star.

And don’t believe the hype. I’m not some diva H1N1 or some one-hit wonder Zika. I’m simply me—the most genuine and laidback virus in the game—and nothin’ else. All I ever wanted to do was just get some burritos and hang. And, brah, that’s all I ever did. Clearly, good things come to those who follow their own dreams, not the dreams that society tells them they have to follow, and that’s true even if their own dream is nothing more than your basic bomb-ass carnitas with cilantro-lime rice and black beans and roasted chili-corn salsa and extra hot sauce wrapped up in a warm and cozy little tortilla home.

So next time someone tells you that you need to be born in the right neighborhood and go to the perfect schools and work for the best companies to make it to the top in this world, take a look at me. I didn’t change for anyone. I just keep hanging out at Chipotle, no matter what kind of nonsense they tried to pull on me, and now I’m the practically bigger than Obama.

Sure, you’re gonna have some haters; some uptight, burrito-bowl-only Wall Street suits or some line-skipping Chipotle execs huddled up in their guac-is-extra ivory tortilla shell who wanna step to you and hit you with some wackness about a stock. But there’s not a stock in this whole world that can kill your burrito grind, yo. This is America; you don’t have to hear any of that. You keep being you. One day, you’re a no-name virus, invisible to everyone. The next day, you still may be invisible, but trust me, the people are feelin’ you. If they went to Chipotle at least.

Anyway, you know where to find me: Shredding some gnarly tomatillo green-chile and noshing on some fajita veggies at The ‘Potle. Speaking of which, has anyone tried these new tofu sofritas? I’m not sure how I feel about ‘em. The whole disruptive vibe isn’t really my scene.

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