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February 23, 2015

How is Judith still alive? 8 of the most ridiculous things from last night's The Walking Dead. S05E11: The Distance

1) Rick Grimes: The Undisputed Champ

There are two things in this post-apocalyptic world that Rick Grimes hates: strangers spying on his family and low-res photography. He doesn’t even let Aaron finish with his pitch about how his community has Wi-Fi and a Starbucks when BAM!!

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn. That looked like it hurt! But seriously, Rick, maybe you didn’t have to do that? Probably could’ve just pointed a gun at his head? I guess he had to set an example for Carl; the boy needs to learn how to punch unarmed strangers in the face sooner or later.

2) Applesauce Torture

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OK, I get that the whole “my mom made me eat applesauce to be manly” thing was most likely a reference to Aaron’s past where his mom tried to feed him salmon and other foods to make him not gay. Really great plan, Aaron’s mom. Shocked it didn’t work out for you. But regardless of that legitimately traumatic upbringing, if a guy points a gun at your face and tells you to eat applesauce it’s probably a good idea to eat the applesauce.

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Does this look like the face of a man who cares about your applesauce story?

Also, it’s fucking applesauce! If someone has a gun pointed at your face, you do whatever they want. Eating applesauce is basically the lowest rung of horrific tasks you may be expected to complete with a firearm aimed at your brain.

3) Everybody Hates Aaron

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Man, this guy. What a guy. If it was me tied up on the floor being called a liar and forced to eat applesauce at gunpoint, I probably would’ve been like, “Fuck you, guys. I’m not taking you to my completely sweet and not too-good-to-be-true community.” But not Aaron. Because he’s a good dude! I guess? He used to have guns pointed at his head all the time back in the day when he sold mixtapes with N.W.A. or something. I don’t know, wasn’t fully paying attention. Yes, I know it’s a show about characters and their development, but I could not give less of a shit about his barnyard resumé.

4) Zombie Car Wash

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This was just fun for the whole family. Plowing through a couple dozen zombies, blood everywhere. Hey, guys! Our car doesn’t work after running over 30 zombies. Maybe our mechanic Michonne should take a look and see if there are a bunch of zombie parts stuck in our car.

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Yup, there are a bunch of zombie parts stuck in our car. Might have to leave it at the shop overnight.

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“Don’t worry. I’m pretty sure we shower in the next episode.”

Also, GROSS when Glenn just wiped off all the zombie windshield sludge with his arm. Ew, Glenn! That was so gross! And he didn’t even wipe it off, just kind of slid it around. Where’s a zombie with newspaper and Windex when you need one?

5) Flare Gun In Your Face

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BOOM! Flare gun in your grill! Very cool. The group should probably always carry around a few dozen flare guns from now on. If I was in charge of this show, I would’ve rolled the end credits immediately after this. Maybe end the series. That’s a wrap, folks! Our work is done. Collect your commemorative crew flare guns at the exit! But then we would’ve missed out on this zombie’s head lying there on the ground like a lame fireworks show.

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These are the only fireworks they sell legally in California.

Hey, remember in Tremors when Reba McEntire fired a flare gun right into the graboid’s mouth?

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Tremors was a pretty sweet movie. This show should do stuff from Tremors more often.

6) Abraham Finally Made It To Washington, D.C.!

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For a dude who has been doing nothing but talking about Washington, D.C. since we met him, he sure kept his jubilation bottled up. He exhibited the same enthusiasm I show when I see a Burger King in an airport. “Oh, cool. Burger King. Maybe I’ll get a chicken sandwich. Their chicken sandwiches are all right.”

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Classic “I’m sleeping with an idiot” face.

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“Hmmm…Low voltage?”

Hey, what’s the one thing you should probably not say in a situation like this?

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“We’re gonna make it!”

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And then there’s a callback to a Dale thing that nobody really remembers because it was from six years ago. If a callback falls in the fifth season and nobody can remember it, does it even make a sound? Stop pretending like you remembered the Dale thing, you’re only lying to yourself. Kinda sad when you stop and think about it.

7) Rick’s Gun Smoothie

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Rick is doing fine, you guys. He’s great! Never been better. He’s definitely not hiding guns in blenders or anything. That would be insane and he’s in a really good place. It’s been almost a full day since he punched a nice stranger! Shout out to reddit user Flexremmington for this gun smoothie line. If you like these posts, I encourage you to check out the Walking Dead subreddit. It’s a lot like what I write, except better and funnier.

8) How Is Judith Still Alive?

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How is this baby alive? Rick apparently has been feeding her mashed up acorns, he inadvertently pointed a gun at this child’s head no less than twice this episode, and they just have the baby rolling around on the backseat like a couple of cans of Shasta. Whatever this community holds for our group, it’s guaranteed to be safer than the gauntlet of danger they have put Judith through. Unless these new people try to eat her. If these guys are baby eaters, maybe they would be better off staying on the other side of this extremely scary and foreboding fence.