TSA hopes to clarify “what the deal is” with various facilities


NEW YORK – Stewardesses everywhere, rejoice – you’ll no longer be asked by patrons to open those finicky bags of peanuts.

American Airlines have finally decided to field a number of flaws in their customer service, inspired by observations made by iconoclastic 20th century humorist Jerome Seinfeld.

“Mr. Seinfeld makes several good points,” says a rep for the airline industry. “Bags of peanuts are indeed very hard to open. We’ll no longer be serving them for allergenic reasons, but it was never our intention for our snack products to cause that much confusion amongst passengers. Also, if Jerry finds our in-flight video telling fliers how to respond in the event of an emergency obsolete rather than informative, perhaps we best do away with it. We thank him kindly for his feedback.”

A rep for the TSA elaborates, “Mr. Seinfeld and many of his comedic brethren raise several important issues, ranging from the redundancy of the pilot’s role to the pricing of items in the SkyMall catalogue to the size of our washrooms onboard. Trust me; we are looking at this as it continues to be an issue for passengers hoping to join the mile-high club. Sadly, however, it is just not in our budget for our security personnel to have to buy fliers dinner every time they ask them to take their pants off.”

Ironically, Seinfeld himself couldn’t be less happy about the news that airlines are heeding some of his words and making changes. “No more peanuts on the airlines? Did you hear me? No...more...peanuts...on the airlines? What’m I gonna do now? Just retire the peanuts bit, pretend it never happened? I’ve been using that joke for 25 years, the royalties of it are paying for one of my Porsches!”

Additionally, as the quality of airline cuisine continues to improve, the star of “Bee Movie” admits that he has much less to talk about in his act and is worried that if planes don’t go back to sucking soon he might have to find other places to satirize.  

“We’re going to continue to make changes until not even the wittiest lounge comic can find something to poke fun at,” American Airlines announced via press release. “Our good friend and frequent flier Carrot Top stated that it would be so much easier to find your boarding pass if your flight information was written on a plank of wood. A BOARD-ing pass, get it? We are continually doing research to see if this is a viable option for us, and expect to make an announcement soon.”