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August 28, 2008



It was a gorgeous Friday night in the cool of a northwestern Ohio evening.  My best friend and I were both on the high school football team.  We headed out of the locker room towards his car, which we took most of the time because it was much cooler than my moped, with all the intention of celebrating our hard fought victory with a well packed bowl and some grateful dead bootlegs.  Now if you're familiar with most of Ohio it's flat and farmy for as far as you can see so finding an untraveled road to engage in such activity was not hard to do.  My buddy had one habit that I did not share and that was dipping tobacco.  Most dippers spit in some sort of bottle with a screw on lid so as not to spill.  My friend however preferred a regular old kitchen cup straight from mom's cupboard.  We reached our favorite spot and fired that ol' bad boy up and was feeling pretty all right if I don't say so myself.  On the way back into town I convinced my buddy that all the bugs flying into view of his headlights were actually stars and that we were approaching light speed.  He throttled down to all of 20 MPH which is apparently what got the attention of our local Barney.  The cherries came on at which point we became chimps from the waist down stashing and hiding everything without so much as flinching our upper bodies. ..... (I seriously had to check for an opposable thumb on my foot after that).  We pull over and the cop gets out.  This cop is an easy 5'10" 350lbs and his car raises six inches when he gets out, why he didn't drive in circles is beyond me.  He waddles up to the drivers side window and catches his breath, no joke.   Now we've got to reek of weed, there's grateful dead CD's spilled all over the car, we're both eating corn nuts and drinking strawberry quick, and our eyes clearly looked like the pocket edition of Rand McNally's.   But for whatever reason he zero's in on my buddy’s cup of dip spit.  "Wha cha boys drinking tonight?"......"Strawberry quick sir, (synchronized presentation of our drinks)"....."Well why would you have a cup if you're clearly drinking from the bottle?".......He appeared pleased with his own logic and crossed his arms and raised his eyebrow as if he'd just dropped the hammer on final deliberation.  My buddy started to tell the truth but was interrupted, ” Why don't you just hand that on up here and let me see what's really going on here fellas".....My buddy handed him the cup which was black and absolutely filled to the rim with his spit.  The cop grabbed the cup and he carelessly brought it up to his nose so he could take a whiff.  In what seemed like slow motion I watched the cup get closer and closer to his face and then spill on to his lips and nose.  We're talking like he'd been bobbin for mellows in his cocoa. Now have you ever been afraid to go to jail for laughing?....He threw the cup down and got out of there as fast as he could in an attempt to preserve whatever dignity he had left.  We on the other hand had just experienced the best encounter with the law either of us probably will ever have.