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August 04, 2016

The Bachelor franchise leftovers go to Paradise to get drunk together, fight, and bang out.

Bachelor in Paradise should be called The Leftovers. It’s a beautiful low-no-stakes mess that brings together all the most interesting, willing contestants that somehow failed to find true love on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. They get wasted together on a beach and bang out. While it’s no Bachelor Pad (one of the greatest shows of all time), it has a special place in my heart. I totally forgot they have an incredibly cheesy intro sequence.

Vile Nick Viall, the only person to ever get second place on two consecutive Bachelorette seasons, has bequeathed us with his presence.

Get it? Because he’s a narcissistic sociopath?

Dick Pastor Evan is back.

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Here to make sure nobody Limp Mashes in Paradise.

Yesssss Canadian Damn Daniel.

Bachelor in Paradise dares to tackle classic stereotypes head on.

Crazy Lace is in the main cast.

My tattoo says to “love myself” but my body says “but alcohol tho.”

Lord Harrison doesn’t have a book to promote this season so he just has Jorge serve him a drink instead.

Introduction Videos

For the zaniest characters, we get a little background info. The Twins are back and talk about how they’re “marriage material” now. They leap frog across a field to prove this and we get our first Black Box image from this season.

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It’s like looking into a very angled mirror.

We get to see both times Vile Nick Viall was dumped in the final round of The Bachelorette. He is 35 now, a Grandpa in Bachelor Years, but he can still lift weights. Vile Nick Viall: “I’m pretty sure I can’t be runner up in paradise.”

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I dunno. He still has runner up written all over his face to me.

Dick Pastor Evan bitches about his ripped shirt from Chad again and then replaces it w/ a new heinous maroon v-nizzle.

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Not as big as the hole in my pride tho, let’s be real.

He says he got his mojo back as he continues his rigorous fitness training.

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I want to be, the very best dick doc, that no one ever wasssss!!!

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Punching limp dicks into outer space wherever he roams!

We see Mad Chad with his late Mom’s cute dog.

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He does lifts with it.

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Lace’s intro involves her throwing out her wine bottles, writing this post-it note to herself, and then drinking new wine bottles.

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Why is she writing this post-it on her fridge if she already tattooed it on her arm?

We get a magical shot of Canadian Damn Daniel. They put a special effect on his Canadian flag speedo to make his dick glow. This show keeps pushing the envelope!

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Little known fact: maple syrup does this to your dick.

We see Sexy-Baby-Voiced-Amanda hang out with her two kids for a minute before she leaves them for the second 3-month-period in one year.

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Mommy paid a lot of money for these extensions and Botox so she needs to lock down a new baby-daddy ASAP to get her money’s worth!

Paradise Begins

Each BIP contestant joins the group every 15 minutes or so. Vinny for no apparent reason gives a primal scream into the ether when he enters.

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Who’s ready to get fuuuuuu–cked?!

I forgot Vile Nick Viall has a lisp. When Dick Pastor Evan enters, someone yells out, “It’s the penis guy!” Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda thinks he’s cuter in person than he was on TV but I still don’t buy it. Dick Pastor Evan: “Amanda melts my freaking heart with her freaking cuteness. I can’t deal.”

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Amanda’s cuteness? I can’t deal. She is nature’s Dick Doctor if you know what I’m saying.

Carly from BIPII’s hair looks fucking bonkers. She says she’s going to “test drive some cars here.” Sarah also joins from BIPII and she gets Lord Harrison to confirm on camera that she can come back every summer until she finds love.

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Fingers crossed you find it this summer ‘cause you’re kinda boring TBH.

Damn Daniel enters. Grant: “Kids, hide your wife, hide your bellybuttons. Daniel’s here.”

Damn Daniel is not impressed with the caliber of ladies so far. Damn Daniel: “Nothing I would really touch… That one blonde girl. Maybe if I had a couple drinks in me… I was expecting poodles and yorkies. They’re washed up street dogs.”

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Maybe the MILF. But I’d have to be shit-faced.

They don’t even give the twins their own entrance and I don’t know why I’m still surprised.

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Damn Daniel is STOKED and brings one Twin to the water. They flirt while everyone watches and Damn Daniel high-fives her. Other Twin: “Oh no. She doesn’t like high fives.”

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Little did Damn Daniel know but he was making a crucial mistake.

Izzy the Onesie chick who lasted one week on Ben’s season somehow made the cut. The other contestants react in a similar manner, as if she’s not as much a “celebrity” as them because she didn’t last that many weeks.

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Does she even go here?

Damn Daniel chats with Izzy. She tells him she’s 25 and Damn Daniel refuses to believe that and keeps saying she’s 21. He then says for a million dollars salary he would do Dick Pastor Evan’s job and handle dicks for a year. Jubes tells the ladies she really wants Jared to come.

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Get me some of that low IQ and chiseled jawline.

Suddenly we get a series of effects like in Jurassic Park and the T-Rex is coming. Glasses shake. The parrot starts screaming. Mad Chad is coming.

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Chad enters with the same effect as the smoke monster on LOST. He tells Lord Harrison he’s ready to find love, “I don’t need money, I don’t need fame.”

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I don’t need money. I don’t need fame. Just need booze, protein, & true love.

It appears Chad’s already found love though as he and Damn Daniel reunite and get cutesie again.

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Ahaha, no YOU stop!

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Me, Daniel, Roses, Alcohol, Girls, Veins. We’ll be good.

Dick Pastor Evan pretends to be Steve Irwin and break into Chad’s suitcases to steal his protein supplements.

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Crikey I think I found the creature’s stash of protein. Oh and this one’s filled with tiny condoms! A true dick doc can usually sniff ‘em out.

Mad Chad meanwhile rips open some meat packets with his teeth.

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Feels unnecessary

Jubes gets the first date card and she asks Jared on a date in front of everyone so he can’t say no.

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So, like, in front of everybody here and Bachelor Nation, do you wanna go out?

Grant flirts with Lace even though offscreen he says, “I can already tell Lace is a mess. She’s hot but I can’t have a relationship with her.”

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Lace moves on to Mad Chad. And so begins the most tumultuous relationship in Bachelor franchise history. Lace: “I want to see the soft side of Chad.” Chad: “We gotta go cuddle. It’s cuddle o'clock.”

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It’s cuddle o'clock! I call whichever spoon that gets a blow job!

Everyone else refers to hurricanes and explosives when describing the progressively drunker and more aggressive relationship of Lace and Chad.

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They drink. They hit each other. They make out. Chad shakes her saying, “I got money, I got muscles.”

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Damn Daniel awkwardly checks in on them while they’re doing angry foreplay: “Oh you guys are getting freaky pretty quick, eh?” He leaves.

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You guys are getting freaky pretty quick eh? So is that full penetrashe eh? Okey yes, okey bye!

Mad Chad’s confessional: “She’s a crazy bitch. I like it.”

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They stumble around the beach.

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Meanwhile, on their piñata-land date, Jubes and Jared discuss Lord of the Rings.

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I’m more of an Aragorn kinda girl. Soooo… DTF?

A piñata clown scares the shit out of them. UGH they cut it to make it look like Jubes’ reaction was to Chad… YOU GOT ME AGAIN, LORD H.

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Jared is freakishly non-plussed by the creepy clown.

The clown makes weird comments and starts dry-humping the air. So confusing. Pretty sure the producers for this show are shit-faced and are just like “fuck it, sure.”

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Someone needs to look into this creepy clown’s analysis of Jared’s hairline situashe.

Meanwhile, Vinny doesn’t care that Izzy only made it one episode. They hook up in the water with spotlights blasted on them.

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I don’t care you only made it one episode if you don’t care I’m the shittiest barber that ever existed, deal?

Chad and Lace get increasingly violent. He makes a joke about tying her to railroad tracks and she punches him in the balls.

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But I said you would smell like peppermint!!!

Lace is over it and Chad says, “Don’t be a c***.” Wait, maybe he says bitch. Lace pushes him and Chad pushes her back. She tells him to go away.

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Lace sits down with the group crying. Chad gets another badly needed drink and sits next to her ignoring her.

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Chad then tries to convince her one more time to go “chill” with him. Lace say’s no, he’s hammered. A Twin’s take away from the situation: “She’s got the longest legs ever.” HAHA.

Vile Nick Viall: “I feel like God mailed it in the day he made Chad.”

Damn Daniel tries to calm Mad Chad down.

Chad: “I’ll murder everyone here and build them into a bottle.”

Damn Daniel: “People are really scared. They think you might be psychotic… They think you’re like a cannibal.”

Chad: “I’ll kill your children and murder your family… Dollah, dollah, bill, y'all.”

Damn Daniel’s confessional: Chad’s gone over the ledge. “He’s talking about rape, killing, sucking, everything bad. He was like a rocket ship and he just went off. He’s on the moon right now and he can’t come back.” He’s either gone off a ledge or he’s gone to the moon, either way, he can’t come back.

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He’s talking about EVERYTHING bad: rape, killing, sucking, not being friendly to strangers, sports without hockey sticks, fake syrup, etc.

Chad keeps GROWLING. He’s definitely blacked out/having a psychotic break. He lays down next to the group.
Sarah: “So some guy that’s gonna give one of us a rose is also the same guy that calls us turd… The way you’re talking about women right now is so disrespectful.”

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At least I’m not missing the most important part of your body– a heart!

Chad: “That’s hilarious. Just go for it. Fuck that one-armed bitch. I don’t give a fuck. You suck that dick. Keep sucking that fame dick.”

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Oh shit that IS what we’re doing here!!

Sarah starts crying and says Chad’s gone or she’s gone.

I’m pretty sure Dick Pastor Evan’s ultimate fantasy is to get punched by Chad because he goes and “tries to calm down” blacked-the-fuck-out-Chad. Mad Chad: “Fuck off.”

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Damn Daniel also tries to talk to him but Chad’s gone. Mad Chad: “Dude let’s get murdered, but like together. Let’s do it. Why you being such a bitch? Why you being so unmurdery? You’re being so unmurdery.”

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Dude it’s ridiculous how unmurdery you’re being. I feel like you wouldn’t even involuntary manslaughter rn.

Chad says he just wants to make out with Lace. Daniel: “You got a better chance of making out with a turtle than a girl tonight.” Chad takes a couple light swings at Daniel.

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Take it back. I’ll fuck all the turtles on this beach I want!

Damn Daniel’s confessional: “I will punch a friend if I have to, no problem. I’ve done it before, I’ll do it again.” I want to know so much more about Damn Daniel’s backstory. Chad stumbles around grunting and finally the bear goes down.

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1 tequila

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2 tequila

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3 tequila

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Someone puts a crab next to Chad as he’s passed out snoring.

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The Next Day…

Things seem to be calm.

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Damn Daniel does his Fantasy Suite stretches.

Chad finds himself naked in a bed.

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We see a flashback of Vile Nick Viall hiding out in the bushes and then present-day-Chad sniffing his pants, theoretically proving that Mad Chad shit his pants last night.

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You know what they say about pieces of shit. Takes one to know one.

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Lord Harrison calls everyone for a group meeting.

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Lord Harrison asks Lace, Sarah, and Chad what happened. The girls explain that they want Chad gone.

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Mad Chad tries to blame this all on Crazy Lace.

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Some of us knew the Bachelor-approved line of crazy and didn’t cross it, CHAD.

Lord Harrison APPARENTLY buried the lead though, because he finally reveals: “You told everybody at this hotel last night to ‘suck a dick.’”

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You literally told them all to suck a dick. This is real life.

I’ve decided this is one of the best episodes of television of all-time.

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Ugh, what do you mean my actions have CONSEQUENCES? I’m entertaining and HOT!

Lord Harrison tells Mad Chad he’s gotta go. Chad blames Lace being jealous he was talking to other girls. He does not live on this planet. Chad storms out, throwing his microphone on the ground.

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He throws his shoes.

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He yells at the crabs: “Fuck you crabs!”

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Mad Chad: “You’re not going to make me look like an asshole and then present me as such and then do this to me. When I’m making jokes, I’m having fun. I got nothing. I got nothing. I have nothing in my life.” Jesus Christ.

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Lord Harrison: “You’re making this a lot worse than it needs to be.”

Mad Chad: “You’re gonna come and make me look like a bitch and play into everything they’re saying, you act like you’ve seen me. You didn’t even watch it. You went to sleep last night with a mimosa and a robe on. You don’t even watch the show.”

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Mad Chad: “Fuck you dude… Go drink your mimosas. Get your robe 100 miles away like you do ‘cause you don’t give a fuck about anybody here… You think this is all like fun and games? This is my life. This is my life. And you’re gonna sit here and you’re gonna try to make me look like a bitch? Fuck you, Chris Harrison.” Holy fuck.

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The cliffhanger of cliffhangers.

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I bet the show is really pissed that Chad took it to a level where they couldn’t possibly keep him on. Also a level where I’m confused why they let him on After the Final Rose??? Promoting the show was more important? I guess that’s the Bachelor way. I’m trapped. Help.

Scenes from next week: They allow Mad Chad to drink more and come back on a rampage. WE’RE GETTING MIXED SIGNALS, LORD HARRISON.

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Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase

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