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March 01, 2016
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What's happening with this congressional hearing right now, because depending on the ruling I may need to clean out my phone.

WASHINGTON DC – Right now Apple Inc and Barack Obama’s cronies, the FBI, are hashing it out in Congress. The FBI wants Tim Cook’s company to unlock the iPhones of the San Bernadino shooters who terrorized a mental health facility in late 2015.
Apple has doubled down on their policy, which has been, “nah, we don’t do that.” They argue that allowing the FBI to take a peekaboo would weaken the security of Apple Products and set a dangerous precedent.

This hearing on if tech companies should create anti-encryption software for government use has launched a lot of discussion and heated debate and while that’s important for society/our nation/brains etc, most of us would love to just know if we should delete our nudes or not?

Apple, it’d be great if you could send us all a push notification telling us to clear the butt pics. Like instead of warning us of a flash flood 50 miles away, could you send us this text:

ALERT: FBI UNLOCKING YOUR PHONE IN 2 HOURS. MAKE SURE EVERYTHING ON IT IS SUITABLE FOR 24 HOUR NEWS COVERAGE.

Or in more simple terms:

ALERT: TAKE EVERYTHING OFF YOUR PHONE YOU DON’T WANT YOUR MOM SEEING.

That would just be very helpful. Of course, there’s the chance that the FBI does not win the rights to use anti-encryption software in which case they can’t get into your phone. But it’s probably still a good idea to be mindful of the dick pics and booby instagram shots you have saved on your phone because you’re more likely to leave it unlocked around your nosy mom than commit a crime warranting the FBI to search it.

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