Full Credits

Stats & Data

June 19, 2011

Texas governor Rick Perry, who may or may not be gay, may or may not be in the race for 2012.


Texas governor Rick Perry, who may or may not prefer other men as romantic and sexual partners over women, is considering a run for the republican nomination for President of the United States.

Potentially straight Perry, the former Lieutenant Governor who took over the governor’s chair when then-governor George Bush was elected President in 2000, is both a fiscal and social conservative who favors tax reform, school vouchers and restrictions on abortion.

The fifth-generation Texan who could also potentially enjoy giving and receiving oral pleasure with other men curiously opposes gay marriage.

The possibly gay republican is a graduate of Texas A&M University and a former Air Force pilot. His remarks about Texas seceding from the Union in recent years have made Perry – who has been perhaps both tastelessly and inaccurately described as an “ass pirate” - a controversial figure as he weighs the possibility of attempting to become the republican who challenges President Obama in 2012.

“Perry is an attractive man and an attractive candidate for a number of conservative republicans of both sexes,” says republican strategist Ricky Bummeride. “The idea of Perry being the man who holds the whip as a cowering congress does his bidding is a spicy possibility for many in the GOP, even those not interested in being Perry’s rim-happy boy toy.”

Bummeride was then quick to point out, “That’s assuming that Perry is attracted to men more than to women, something that I have no solid evidence to support and have heard only through the pervasive and remarkably long-lasting rumors which have circulated for the better part of two decades.”

Perry’s possible love of steaming-hot man-on-man lovemaking has done little to slow down his political career thus far. He has always enjoyed the support of the evangelical right and he will need it in the republican primary, particularly in the Iowa caucuses dominated by conservative Christians.

“Perry brings a great deal of conservative, family-values clout to the table if he decides to run,” says Christian Family Caucus chairman Rev. Rod Bottoms. “A lot of these guys act like they’re playing the role of a conservative; Perry really is that and projects it naturally.”

Bottoms then said, “Incidentally, I am not worried that the governor has been accused of enjoying marathon sessions of vigorous butt-sex with a chef employed by him at the governor’s mansion. I don’t deal with rumors and innuendo.”

ottoms giggled girlishly as he said the last word.

“He’d make a fine President. Not as good as me, but pretty good,” said former Texas governor and ex-president George W. Bush.

Bush further remarked “and I know he’s not a homoqueerual because he never asked to take me into his throat.”

The smiling ex-president said, “The homoqueeruals love me.”