Full Credits

Stats & Data

September 06, 2011

Congrats on getting into college and being oblivious to its faults!

#1. Your mascot is a tiger in a wheelchair
#2. Most famous alma-mater: the inventor of the “cheese inside the crust” pizza
#3. Your fight song is Foreigner’s “I Want to Know What Love Is”
#4. Diplomas written with crayon on the back of used Hamburger Hamlet placemats
#5. Tenured professors identifiable by teardrop tattoo
#6. Statue of university founder is in a fetal postion
#7. School advertises on urinal cakes
#8. Orientation includes chemical delousing
#9. Sign out front says WALK-INS WELCOME!
#10. Scholarships awarded via hottest buns contest
#11. President’s office has a condom machine in it
#12. All textbooks are from the Everyone Poops series
#13. Offers minor in “Winning Radio Contests”
#14. It’s the reason U.S. News introduced “Total Shithole” ranking
#15. Quad located in the median-strip of the New Jersey Turnpike
#16. Your senior thesis came back covered in gold stars and scratch-n-sniff stickers
#17. Marching band uses only hand-claps
#18. Community-service requirement is handing out half-off fliers in front of competing colleges
#19. Professors begin class with, “Let’s get our learn on!”
#20. Professors end class with, “Smell ya later, fags!”
#21. Banner over main gate reads OVER ONE MILLION TEACHED
#22. Dorms double as conjugal-visit trailers
#23. Merit-based scholarship based only on the ability to blow oneself
#24. One-free-hour of AOL with every two semesters completed
#25. Accepts only cash (“no bills larger than $20, thank you”)
#26. Still no official website, but one hell of a kick-ass MySpace page
#27. The dean has a reputation for being a bit of a “gash hound”
#28. Care packages confiscated and redistributed to senior faculty
#29. Endowment is whatever happens to be in the treasurer’s coin purse
#30. The college motto, translated from the Latin: “To Dry Retch”
#31. All awards in the trophy case are for chicken sexing
#32. Founder’s plaque reads ESTABLISHED THIS MANY FINGERS AGO
#33. Courses offered in-class, online, and drive-thru
#34. Faculty re-staffed daily by illegal immigrants brought in by pick-up truck
#35. Corey Feldman given honorary degree three years running
#36. Financial aid package consists of $10 and a pack of smokes
#37. Has a swim-up dining hall
#38. One robe passed from person to person in diploma line
#39. Campus has its own Green Zone
#40. You attend Harbard, Yole, or Pranceton
#41. Commencement ceremony is a live feed from a better school’s commencement ceremony
#42. Your favorite professor holds office hours in his taco truck
#43. Big man on campus is a 700-pound shut-in
#44. Freshmen choose between “swinger” and “square” dorms
#45. Founded in 1979 as a Fotomat
#46. Half of all student groups devoted to tanning
#47. Dorm doubles as poultry farm
#48. Health center run by the same dude who once sold you bad acid
#49. Faculty are permitted/encouraged to carry tasers
#50. Counseling Services is a candy dish of Adderall
#51. School dubiously characterizes itself as “accredited in all the right places.”
#52. At least once a month, your Humanities professor exclaims, “Enough of this boring shit. Who’s up for some freeze tag?”
#53. Offers a philosophy class based on Arsenio’s “Things That Make You Go Hmm . . .”
#54. Literary journal is mostly car-wash coupons
#55. Students draw straws to see who gets dissected in anatomy
#56. All students completing campus tour required to sign gag order
#57. Valedictorians are determined by a mixed-martial-arts cage match
#58. If your roommate commits suicide, you get a free iPod Shuffle
#59. Ivy is mostly poison sumac
#60. Tenure means being chained to a radiator
#61. All dining halls have posters with instructions for properly using a bib
#62. Offers only two study-abroad options: Bush Gardens or Epcot Center
#63. Homeless person sleeping in the periodicals room is what’s known as a “visiting professor”
#64. Only college with “& Grille” after its name
#65. Scientology recruiters keep their distance
#66. Four student protesters shot dead in 1970, but no one has yet noticed
#67. Endowment consists mostly of unredeemed Delta SkyMiles
#68. Has NCAA’s only cock-fighting program
#69. President accused of sexism for positing that women might be innately bad at pregnancy
#70. The only required reading: Don Diva magazine
#71. Astronomy professor frequently forgets which direction outer space is
#72. Acceptance letters are labeled with student’s name and “Or Current Resident”
#73. Late fee assessed for diplomas held more than three days
#74. Film students required to shoot with cell phones
#75. You had to take your M.C. Escher print off the wall because other students kept trying to step inside it
#76. Desks in classrooms are equipped with seatbelts
#77. Your meal plan is “24-Hour-All-You-Can-Eat Hot Wings”
#78. More than one academic building is dedicated to Carson Daly
#79. Chemistry labs use whatever can be shoplifted from Home Depot
#80. Known as one of the “Seven Stepsisters”
#81. Ranks number one in the country for amount of rival mascots murdered
#82. Shakespeare professors teach only from the Shakespeare in Love script
#83. When you graduated “Cum Laude” the word “cum” was written on your diploma in a sperm font
#84. Every time you answer a question in class, the professor says, “I guess you think you’re better than me.”
#85. Figure drawing classes have a strictly enforced “no touching” policy
#86. It offers an M.A. in Wood Shop
#87. Images of campus life in brochure are stills from Sorority House Massacre 2: Naughty Nightmare
?#88. Provost walks around campus with a Burmese python around his neck
#89. You attend the only college that prides itself on its “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Diploma” policy
#90. You discovered you were eligible to graduate via a scratch-off ticket
#91. Your academic adviser spent most of your last session doing chin-ups
#92. The student bookstore has a curtained-off adult section
#93. Has an Assistant Dean of High-Fiving
#94. Your ethics professor wears a house arrest anklet
#95. The first time you brought a laptop to class, the other students thought you were a time-traveler from the future
#96. You found it through a “College Seeking Student” Craigslist ad
#97. When you tell a prospective employer your alma mater, he simply leans across his desk and smacks your face
#98. Boasts nation’s only Ph.D. program in street magic
#99. The English Department’s budget was slashed to help fund the university’s make-your-own-sundae bar
#100. Every three-hour lecture is required to have a 15-minute nap time
#101. Mid-terms include a free-throw contest
#102. Lecture halls have a two-drink minimum
#103. Campus built on top of an ancient Native American community college
#104. When you walked across the stage at graduation, the college chancellor fist-bumped you
#105. Doesn’t have a campus radio station but does have its own CB radio handle
#106. The “grading couch”

Mike Sacks, contributor to Vanity Fair, New Yorker, GQ, Esquire, as well as the author of the books “And Here’s the Kicker: Conversations with Humor Writers” and “Your Wildest Dreams, Within Reason,” is offering private tutoring and coaching sessions with writers looking to improve their humor writing. Limited space available. If interested, contact mikebsacks@gmail.com