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July 05, 2017
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It was pretty obvious from the beginning...

1. The Way He Introduced Himself Was Suspicious

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This was his picture in the yearbook, for some reason.

On the first day of class he introduced himself to us as Officer Gerald Donaldson. He then claimed Officer was his first name and began explaining a long and convoluted family lineage, one where all the men were named Officer. The next day, he came into school with bleached blonde hair and claimed his name was Officer Tony Hawk.


2. He Didn’t Dress Like Other Students

Officer Tony Hawk, on multiple occasions, accidentally wore his police uniform to school. He would then claim that someone tricked him into thinking it was Halloween and that this was his very cool Halloween costume. This would often lead to him forming a crowd in the parking lot while he performed gun spinning tricks.


3. He Drove His Squad Car to School

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He had the best lap time and led our cross country team to the state finals.

When we had to run laps in gym class, Officer Tony Hawk gave up halfway through his first lap. He then calmly walked to the parking lot, hopped in his squad car, and drove it around the track for the remaining three laps with the sirens on.


4. He Had an Unspoken Agreement with the Teachers

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He often explained that one should always “aim for the genitals”.

Whenever we had an exam, Officer Tony Hawk would sleep through the class period. At the end of the exam, he would hand in his blank test and wink at our teacher, whispering that he would like the “Oklahoma Special”. When the teacher didn’t know what that was, Officer Tony Hawk would tase them.

5. He Had an Affair With Our Lunch Lady

Officer Tony Hawk became very infatuated with our lunch lady, Francine. The two would spend the lunch period having sex in the kitchen while the student body went hungry. One day, Tony Hawk’s wife stormed into the cafeteria and tried to fist fight Francine. After Francine won handedly,Officer Tony Hawk arrested his wife.

6. He Went Through a Divorce

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On Monday mornings it wasn’t uncommon for him to walk into school covered in his own shit.

After him and his wife separated, Officer Tony Hawk started sleeping in his squad car every night in the parking lot. He would lay in the back seat, cry, and fall asleep while listening to The Eagles. The next morning, inevitably, he would need someone to let him out. Sometimes he would accidentally lock himself in the back of his car all weekend.

7. He Told Everyone He Was a Cop

Officer Tony Hawk became very drunk at the school dance. He yelled at anyone who would listen about his ex-wife Lorraine, loudly screaming “I’m a cop, you fucking idiots! Can’t any of you tell?!” Afterwards, he stumbled into the cafeteria and ate all of the school’s pancake mix, which he kept referring to as his “protein shake”. It was upsetting.

8. He Arrested Four Students and Faked His Own Death

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Rest in peace, Officer Tony Hawk. You were a terrible lab partner.

The morning after the dance, Officer Tony Hawk woke up in our school’s cafeteria. After puking all over the frozen pizzas, he stumbled through the back exit and found four guys from the football team smoking pot on the bleachers. He arrested them immediately. Officer Tony Hawk returned to school the next day as Officer Beyonce Justin Timberlake, Officer Tony Hawk’s cool new cousin who just transferred to our school because “Officer Tony Hawk died tragically after fucking way too good.”

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