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August 29, 2017

Are you a fairly bland person who wants to appear interesting at parties but don’t know how? Or do you just want to get laid?

Are you a fairly bland person who wants to appear interesting at parties but don’t know how? Or do you just want to get laid?

Whatever the reason is, it may be time to try out these tried and true methods, battle-tested by the world’s foremost experts in appearing interesting.

1. Tell people that you love Coachella


This classic conversation starter is a guaranteed crowd pleaser. Even if you’ve never been to Coachella, nobody is going to call you out on this, except Greg, because he’s a dick. People will naturally think that you’re in touch with the musical tastes of today’s young generation, not to mention that you must have an extensive collection of bro tanks and white crop tops. Lead in with this casual introduction and watch your interesting X-factor soar. Just don’t mention that you like country music.

2. Even if you haven’t heard of that one movie, just say that you’ve seen parts of it


Everybody loves movies, so this topic will inevitably come up during a conversation. But what if you’ve never seen nor heard of that movie? Just say that you’ve only seen parts of it. This is a useful tactic for creating a safe space of feigned mutual interest. 100% of the time, the other person will use this opportunity to make a point about something because he honestly doesn’t care if you’ve seen it or not. Greg was going to say it anyway, so you might as well say this to appear interesting. Also, you haven’t seen The Big Lebowski yet?

3. Tell people that you’re thinking about opening an Etsy store


It doesn’t matter if your only experience with making art is constructing a house composed of popsicle sticks at architecture camp in the fifth grade, this edgy proclamation will immediately make you not only look interesting but also entrepreneurial. A two-in-one deal, this lead-in will especially score well with the “Creatives” at the party. But what if they ask what type of art you plan to sell? Just say beads. They won’t call you out on it because you said you’re thinking about opening an Etsy store. Check. Mate.

4. Reference a study from The New York Times


Everybody respects The New York Times, so this will make you appear not only interesting but also a person who knows how to read. Don’t wear glasses from Warby Parker? No problem, you don’t need that accoutrement for this. The trick with this one is timing: like a lion stalking a wayward impala, you must patiently wait for that broad-sweeping cultural observation someone will undoubtedly make. Once it emerges from the savannah, casually respond in an assertive, but cool voice, “I once read a study in The New York Times that…” and fill in the blank with the topic being discussed. Even though the study is fake since you literally just made it up, everybody will believe you because you said it’s from The New York Times. Except Greg, because he’s a dick.

5. Smoke a cigarette


You don’t need to talk to anyone for this one. Just light one up, pensively stare into the distance, and people will definitely think you’re interesting.