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November 20, 2015
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Come on everyone, those tearful goodbyes with your BFFs as you say farewell to campus life and hello to your hometown are useless. Going home for Thanksgiving is actually the greatest thing ever.

Ah, yes, it’s that time of year again, when a definite food coma, family reunion, and Netflix marathon are bound to dominate your week of rest. Though these are all very important, let’s not forget the real reasons why going home for Thanksgiving break is the absolute best.

1. Everyone can talk about how stuck in high school they are

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All five of these people were whispering “these are the best days of our LIVES” as this photo was taken.

Remember that time you were on prom court? Or that time you were voted “most likely to visit every weekend after graduation”? That was absolutely amazing. Why not tell the people who were there for it instead of all your newfound “friendships” in college that mostly consist of people on your floor and are likely to fall apart within a year or two? Dig through all the dust that has rightfully accumulated on your high school yearbook to search for the 1 page out of 588 you’re mentioned on. Afraid no one’s going to believe you spent 3 hours reliving what 85% of the population says was the “worst time of their life”? Snapchat it to most of your friends, especially your freshman roommate Nicole. She’s going to be super excited to stumble on it in four years and ask herself “oh yeah, who was that”?

2. You get to wake up screaming in the middle of the night from stress induced anxiety without your roommate judging you.

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Go back to bed, Brenden. Your student loan debt was just a bad dream.

We get it: homework can be incredibly detrimental to your mental health. You know who doesn’t get it? Nicole. Luckily, home is a safe place for you to let out all your verbal frustrations and PTSD from nights spent harassing strangers about what meat goes best with macaroni due to a high Adderall intake. When you wake up screaming your first Amendment rights gripping your sheets harder than a number 2 pencil, don’t worry, so do a million other students traumatized by the U.S. education system’s unrealistic expectations.

3. Shower in your old New Balance Sneakers instead of flip flops

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Jerry Seinfeld? Your SHOES are calling! From the SHOWER!

Flip-flops are such a drag to wear in the shower. When do the puddles accumulate in your shoes? Where’s the satisfying feeling that some dad somewhere is also showering in his New Balance Sneakers? Flip flops are a thing of the past, and you don’t want to be a Lil Wayne in a world progressing towards Chance the Rapper.

4. Instead of an RA you now have two parents to hide your drinking problem from

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Exclusive image of a freshman boy drinking Hawkeye Vodka

Pesky RA bust you for drugs and alcohol again this week? Don’t let it get you down, now the only people you have to let down are the two people supporting you financially and emotionally. Lesser stakes are tied to getting caught by your care givers than the girl down the hall who had your whole floor put together an ice cream social. They may take away your college tuition but your RA could take away Nicole’s friendship! You don’t want that to happen! Then you won’t be able to run into her six years down the line after you’ve both graduated and catch up for two minutes!

5. Your Tom Cruise body pillow won’t be used as a prop by everyone

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It was a $59.99 purchase and you regret literally nothing.

“Hey, can I borrow that Tom Cruise body pillow you have? It’d really make my Katie Holmes Halloween costume.” NO.

“Oh my god my friend is home for the weekend and loves Tom Cruise you ABSOLUTELY need to let her see your pillow.” NO.

“I think it’d be really funny to our visitors if we put the Tom Cruise pillow on the futon.” NO, NO, NO! He is my Tom Cruise body pillow, there is no we in me. And if you think there is, you may be completely illiterate and should talk to your primary care physician before reading comprehension skills are prescribed to you.

6. Your room is much bigger and will remind you of how you combat your emptiness in this consumer driven society by surrounding yourself with unnecessary material possessions.

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Netflix and nihilism?

And really, what more is there to say?


Meggie Gates is a student at the University of Iowa. She enjoys performing around town with her improv group Janice and is an all around cool chick. Monitored by the government and she is on the run following her recent involvement with a John Deere heist. Follow her on Twitter at @meggie_gates.

Edited by Jocelyn Coffman.

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