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May 13, 2016

An examination of the male contestants chosen for Jojo's season of The Bachelorette.

GUYS!!! You know how we’ve all spent the last couple months wandering around pathetically, on the verge of tears, listlessly gravitating towards the street gutters, desperately trying to grasp onto the beauty and purity of reality television by watching some random offshoot of the Kardashian franchise but being completely let down by their awareness of the cameras and lack of stakes/complete psychotic breakdowns, allowing the weeks to blend into each other with no beacon of effervescent light on Monday nights, turning tricks just to feel something again, and losing faith in the existence of love? I’m here to tell you that period is almost over. ABC has just announced the 26 secretly gay fame-whores new contestants for this upcoming 12th season of The Bachelorette.

All I do between Bachelor seasons.

After Ben Higgins pulled a reverse-Brad-Womack last season by telling both finalists he loved them, Jojo is taking over the reigns as the new Bachelorette. Her family was crazy fun. Her body was crazy fun. Bachelor Nation loved her so much they demanded ABC revoke the title from Caila. While I fantasize about what an off-the-rails Bachelorette Season starring Olivia The Mouth would look like, I am pretty excited for Jojo. What will be her #Unlovable? #JojoGetsHerMojo? #MoJojoMoProblems? #JojosTacoTakesRevenge?


The dudes’ incredibly desirable jobs range from “Bachelor Enthusiast” to “Erectile Dysfunction Specialist.” 99% of them put Gladiator as their favorite movie.

Alex (25) is a marine and has a twin.

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I’m a shorter version of that guy on Mad Men that Joan dumped.

Ali’s face is half eyebrows but he’s my favorite.

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Make way for Prince Ali!

Brandon (28) looks like a wimpy Lee Pace and described his occupation as HIPSTER. Motherfucking fuck.

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My job is being a hipster and my religion is being a fuckface.

Chad (28) is the Chaddliest Chad I’ve ever seen. He’s a Luxury Real Estate Agent from Tulsa which doesn’t seem like that high a ladder to climb.

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Even though I live in Tulsa I’ll probably go far due to being 1000x hotter than any of these duds.

Kiptyn has returned reincarnated as Chase (27), a medical sales rep who has a lion tat on his ribs which I GUESS is better than a Bible quote but NOT BY FUCKING MUCH.

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I looked up what job description would make someone fall asleep fastest and picked it.

Christian (26) is a Telecom Consultant who looks nice so he probably won’t do very well. He says he did strip shows in college which I would like to hear more information about.

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I’m going to make YOU tele-com.

Colin (27), the real estate consultant, prefers the much cooler nickname, “Coley”, his favorite book is Harry Potter, and he looks like a fucked up version of Shia LeBeouf

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Daniel (31) is supposedly a male model though I find him to be creepy AF. When asked if he has tattoos, his response: “No — same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo.” Don’t think we need to know LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE ABOUT HIM, GO AWAY.

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Derek (29) is a commercial banker and he’s obsessed with duct tape and Ben Franklin. Really hoping he gets out of the limo dressed like Ben Franklin.

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I’m good-looking and have a real job but I’m also from Florida and decided this shirt was a good idea, so…

Evan (33) is an ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION SPECIALIST. So he’s either a doctor or someone who performs the limp mash really well. If he could be anyone else for a day he would pick Donald Trump.

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I am so good at having a limp dick, some might call it my job.

Grant (27) is a sultry af tatted firefighter. His favorite movie is Home Alone. I really hope he Home Alones someone in the Bachelor mansion. He also HATES Harry Potter so maybe the victim can be Coley.

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Hey girl, I’ll let you slide my pole, right after I do a sweet booby trap and you get a paint can to your face! Suckah!!

Jake (26) is a landscape architect and loves Ninja Turtles.

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James F. (34) is a boxing club owner. Serious question, is this what boxing does to your face? ABC why are you doing this to Jojo…

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I only have three people locked in a shed in my backyard.

James S. (27) listed his occupation as “Bachelor Superfan”. In a general question about whether he’s romantic, he responded: “I’ve been intimate with very few women because I think sex is very important and not to be taken lightly.” HOW MANY MEN THO, JAMES S.? Seriously though.

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I’m told humans use this face to display happiness.

I wonder if James Taylor (29) paid someone off to be the first contestant in history to get a full last name. He’s got an Andy from Parks and Rec vibe and an American flag eagle tat on his shoulder so you know he’s been drunk before. James Taylor is from Jojo’s home state of Texas and he doesn’t look like a complete troll so maybe he has a leg up.

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I’m the other James Taylor musician. Not the Grammy winner. The one who goes on The Bachelorette.

Jonathan (29) is a technical sales rep and the first male Asian contestant in recent memory so that’s awesome. He’s wearing a kilt in the group photo though so TBD how long he’s staying…

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I’m a technical sales rep and technically I’m in the running to win The Bachelorette.

Jordan (27) is football player Aaron Rodgers’ less successful little brother.

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My brother is famous so maybe I’ve got some pretty sweet recessive genes!

Luke (31) is a terrifying war vet from Texas and also looks spectacularly gay.

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Nick B. (33) is an electrical engineer and the only one I can’t find in the group photo so I’M GUESSING HE’S SANTA CLAUS. WHY. Oh, he’s from Florida too.

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Nick S. (26) is a software salesman, lives in SF, and wears a bandana around his neck. He wants to run a ranch and tomato farm so I guess that’s what someone who wants to do that wears.

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All I wanna do is ride horses and ripen tomatoes witchu girl.

Pete (26) is a staffing agency manager from Chicago and I’ve already forgotten who he is.

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Robby (27) is a former competitive swimmer. All of these peoples’ jobs are what they used to be. It’s like if I put as my occupation “former tallest but worst person on my high school volleyball team”. YOU’RE UNEMPLOYED ROBBY.

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I used to swim. So I got that going for me.

Sal (28) is an operations manager also from Florida. I can’t believe there are non-pizza-place-owners named Sal.

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Vinny (28) is a barber and is ALSO FROM FLORIDA.

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Let me touch your hair. Just look at mine. You can totally trust me 1000%.

Wells (33) is a DJ, looks like a Disney channel star, and wears pins on his jacket so you know he’s cool.

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Will (26) is a civil engineer from Jersey City.

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It’s not looking incredibly promising for Jojo’s Taco but I’m still excited beyond belief for Monday, May 23rd.

Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase