GUYS!!! You know how we’ve all spent the last couple months wandering around pathetically, on the verge of tears, listlessly gravitating towards the street gutters, desperately trying to grasp onto the beauty and purity of reality television by watching some random offshoot of the Kardashian franchise but being completely let down by their awareness of the cameras and lack of stakes/complete psychotic breakdowns, allowing the weeks to blend into each other with no beacon of effervescent light on Monday nights, turning tricks just to feel something again, and losing faith in the existence of love? I’m here to tell you that period is almost over. ABC has just announced the 26
secretly gay fame-whores new contestants for this upcoming 12th season of The Bachelorette.
After Ben Higgins pulled a reverse-Brad-Womack last season by telling both finalists he loved them, Jojo is taking over the reigns as the new Bachelorette. Her family was crazy fun. Her body was crazy fun. Bachelor Nation loved her so much they demanded ABC revoke the title from Caila. While I fantasize about what an off-the-rails Bachelorette Season starring Olivia The Mouth would look like, I am pretty excited for Jojo. What will be her #Unlovable? #JojoGetsHerMojo? #MoJojoMoProblems? #JojosTacoTakesRevenge?
The dudes’ incredibly desirable jobs range from “Bachelor Enthusiast” to “Erectile Dysfunction Specialist.” 99% of them put Gladiator as their favorite movie.
Alex (25) is a marine and has a twin.
Ali’s face is half eyebrows but he’s my favorite.
Brandon (28) looks like a wimpy Lee Pace and described his occupation as HIPSTER. Motherfucking fuck.
Chad (28) is the Chaddliest Chad I’ve ever seen. He’s a Luxury Real Estate Agent from Tulsa which doesn’t seem like that high a ladder to climb.
Kiptyn has returned reincarnated as Chase (27), a medical sales rep who has a lion tat on his ribs which I GUESS is better than a Bible quote but NOT BY FUCKING MUCH.
Christian (26) is a Telecom Consultant who looks nice so he probably won’t do very well. He says he did strip shows in college which I would like to hear more information about.
Colin (27), the real estate consultant, prefers the much cooler nickname, “Coley”, his favorite book is Harry Potter, and he looks like a fucked up version of Shia LeBeouf
Daniel (31) is supposedly a male model though I find him to be creepy AF. When asked if he has tattoos, his response: “No — same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo.” Don’t think we need to know LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE ABOUT HIM, GO AWAY.
Derek (29) is a commercial banker and he’s obsessed with duct tape and Ben Franklin. Really hoping he gets out of the limo dressed like Ben Franklin.
Evan (33) is an ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION SPECIALIST. So he’s either a doctor or someone who performs the limp mash really well. If he could be anyone else for a day he would pick Donald Trump.
Grant (27) is a sultry af tatted firefighter. His favorite movie is Home Alone. I really hope he Home Alones someone in the Bachelor mansion. He also HATES Harry Potter so maybe the victim can be Coley.
Jake (26) is a landscape architect and loves Ninja Turtles.
James F. (34) is a boxing club owner. Serious question, is this what boxing does to your face? ABC why are you doing this to Jojo…
James S. (27) listed his occupation as “Bachelor Superfan”. In a general question about whether he’s romantic, he responded: “I’ve been intimate with very few women because I think sex is very important and not to be taken lightly.” HOW MANY MEN THO, JAMES S.? Seriously though.
I wonder if James Taylor (29) paid someone off to be the first contestant in history to get a full last name. He’s got an Andy from Parks and Rec vibe and an American flag eagle tat on his shoulder so you know he’s been drunk before. James Taylor is from Jojo’s home state of Texas and he doesn’t look like a complete troll so maybe he has a leg up.
Jonathan (29) is a technical sales rep and the first male Asian contestant in recent memory so that’s awesome. He’s wearing a kilt in the group photo though so TBD how long he’s staying…
Jordan (27) is football player Aaron Rodgers’ less successful little brother.
Luke (31) is a terrifying war vet from Texas and also looks spectacularly gay.
Nick B. (33) is an electrical engineer and the only one I can’t find in the group photo so I’M GUESSING HE’S SANTA CLAUS. WHY. Oh, he’s from Florida too.
Nick S. (26) is a software salesman, lives in SF, and wears a bandana around his neck. He wants to run a ranch and tomato farm so I guess that’s what someone who wants to do that wears.
Pete (26) is a staffing agency manager from Chicago and I’ve already forgotten who he is.
Robby (27) is a former competitive swimmer. All of these peoples’ jobs are what they used to be. It’s like if I put as my occupation “former tallest but worst person on my high school volleyball team”. YOU’RE UNEMPLOYED ROBBY.
Sal (28) is an operations manager also from Florida. I can’t believe there are non-pizza-place-owners named Sal.
Vinny (28) is a barber and is ALSO FROM FLORIDA.
Wells (33) is a DJ, looks like a Disney channel star, and wears pins on his jacket so you know he’s cool.
Will (26) is a civil engineer from Jersey City.
It’s not looking incredibly promising for Jojo’s Taco but I’m still excited beyond belief for Monday, May 23rd.
Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase