It’s me Durk, a horny teen who smokes e-cigs.
A study came out last week that e-cigarette use has tripled among U.S. teens since 2013. E-cigs are now more popular among teens like me than regular cigarettes or any other traditional tobacco product. Very cool, e-cigs, way to go!
But of course, there are haters out there. Critics say that top e-cig manufacturers like blu eCigs are marketing to horny teens like me with ads like this:
Now, you might say that the ad copy of “Slim. Charged. Ready to go.” is too much for my horny teenage brain to handle. The double entendre makes me think that if I smoke e-cigs, I too will be “ready to go” and will meet people who are “ready to go” (ready to go make sex, that is).
For example, the Legacy For Health blog made the following remark:
— Legacy For Health
As a woman and a marketer, I’m especially incensed by the sexualization of the young girl in this ad. The e-cigarette as the phallic symbol, the headless model being used to promote the product, the belly button jewelry with an arrow pointing to the very strategically-placed logo. And despite the fact that these companies claim they aren’t marketing to youth, ads like this one suggest otherwise.
To that I say “no way, dude!” It isn’t the advertisement per se that is being marketed at horny teens like me. That’s not what makes me want to be one of the 2 million U.S. high school students currently smoking e-cigs. And legally smoking them I should add, due to a loophole in the Food & Drug Administration’s wording about tobacco products, making this technically a “nicotine inhalant device” (and not a “tobacco product”), so therefore it is totally cool for a horny teen like me under the age of 18 to have.
No no. That’s not why I want to smoke e-cigs. I want to smoke e-cigs because of that side vagina. Take a closer look.
See? The undeniable presence of side vagina. That blu eCig branded bikini is so tight there is literally vagina poking out the sides of it.
Nothing makes me want to take a plastic device to my lips as it heats a nicotine-laced fluid, which then becomes a chemical vapor that I suck into my still developing adolescent body, more than the site of side vagina.
What’s side vagina you say? Well, you know how side boob is the sexiest part of the boob? Wait — you didn’t know that? It’s true, take a look at this post from my “Side Boob” Pinterest board:
You see, scientists have shown that the side boob, or “sideboob” as it’s called in the medical community, is clinically shown to be the sexiest part of a boob. Celebrities use it to promote movies and stuff. If a horny teen like me sees a Jennifer Lawrence side boob on the red carpet, it’s a physiological guarantee you’re going to be first in line to see the next Hunger Games.
Similarly, if I see some side vagina (variants include sidevagina or side-vag), whether it is in an e-cig ad or not, I immediately need to go suck on an e-cig or my head will explode.
Now some preliminary research into the matter has informed me that what I’m actually talking about is “side vulva” rather than “side vagina,” to which I would retort, “I’m a horny teen, looks like side vagina to me.”
In conclusion, health advocates and concerned citizens, please don’t worry about horny teens like me. If I see a blu e-cig ad that says “No Regrets” and appears to be making some sort of point about the weight different between the man and woman featured, it isn’t going to make me want to smoke an e-cigarette:
Nope, that horrific ad doesn’t have any side vagina, so it doesn’t make me feel the urge to smoke an e-cig. What makes me want to go smoke an e-cig is that this horny teen has a nicotine craving. The CDC sees e-cigs as a public health threat and expects that U.S. e-cig sales will surpass $10 billion annually by 2017, but I just see them as a great way to complement my enthusiasm for side-vaginas.
OK, time for this horny teen to go do his part and give the blu eCig corporation some of my money!