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January 08, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

China announced it will reform its system of "re-education" through labor. Though it's unclear who would then be in charge of making iPhones.

Meanwhile, Chinese journalists are protesting government censorship of one of the country's newspapers. According to Chinese TV stations, the journalists are "not pleased but very happy to not be labeled terrorists."

Over 600 elementary and middle schools in Los Angeles will now see random daily patrols by LAPD officers. Raising an important point made by the NRA: What are we doing to keep our children safe from these armed madmen?

Brad Pitt has joined the Chinese version of Twitter, Wiebo. Mainly because no one on Twitter is jealous of how many children he gets to have. 

One of Germany's oldest children book publishers says it will remove all instances of the N-word. Germans being particularly good at wiping out whatever they find offensive. 

President Obama selected counter-terrorism aide John Brennan to be the new CIA director. "Congratulations, new CIA director John Brennan," the FBI will say in three years.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton returned to work Monday after doctors discovered she had a blood clot. Or as she refers to it, an Obama.

New research says the predicted rise of sea levels may be much greater than previously reported. Also much greater than previously reported? How good Jacquin Phoenix was in "The Master."

"Octomom" Nadya Suleman is reportedly on welfare. If true, she will have literally been on everything.

Economist Paul Krugman has joined in calling for the minting of a $1 trillion coin in response to a fight with Republicans over the debt ceiling. Krugman missing one important detail: The Chinese HATE coins. 

In Louisiana, a flash mob of about 200 teens emptied out a mall when members began fighting. Sbarro's truly should have specified they only had five job openings.